Sweet Crude:

It's my niece's second birthday:




She's almost outgrown her job as a jockey:

I drove on fumes last night while listening to songs lamenting the dregs of the $20 in petrol I bought earlier in the week. Cue Taps.

Earlier in the evening I was hit on by a woman who looked like this:



Hmmm, what would Gerard Depardieu? Probably phone Kaitlin Hogan to tell her how much he loves her.



I AM LOVING YOU TOO BIG, KATE HOGAN!!

Let's return to Paris, shall we? I'm nearly positive that's what Gerard would Depardieu.

08ama just won Wisconsin, which means he'll probably commit suicide tomorrow and Chelsea's p-i-m-p will be crowned Democrat Princess by evening time. Afterwards she'll use her guitar to take the strong political stances First Ladies aren't allowed but gentrified rockers are:



Since I'm referencing half the same post I referenced last week, I'll also reference the other half and see how many times I can fit "reference" into a single sentence:

...it prolly has to do more with the guy who's not too black rolling into kenya last year, criticizing the government for rampant corruption, and then being dismissed by some gov't spokesman - no doubt beholden to a large belly - as but a marginal legislator. it'd be funny if that junior senator was the potus a mere two years later, non?

I didn't actually think then that 08ama was going to be this close to cleaning up GWankerB's messes - Iraq, the economy, BBQ stains on the sheets - so after posting that last week I went looking through news archives for articles about said criticism. It's kind of difficult. Most articles have been archived by AllAfrica, and they require a subscription fee once articles are 30-days-old. I did, however, find this:

"It is now clear that he was speaking out of ignorance and does not understand Kenyan politics. We earlier thought he was mature in his assessment of Kenyan and African politics," Mutua told AFP.

"But we forgive him because it is his first time in the senate and he is yet to mature into understanding issues of foreign policy," he said.

Fairly prescient on 08ama's part. He had to save one side of his mouth for when it became his turn to bilk the US Treasury, but back then he used the other half to warn against government corruption and ethnic strife. A fairly ignorant and immature assessment considering the current state of Kenyan affairs, n'est-ce pas? Maybe he should've dropped Sí Se Peude on those crazy Luos afraid of forced circumcision...

08ama = hope

Aside from being a fat-fuck, self-righteous, hypocritical wanker, John McCain't is also a fat-fuck, self-righteous, hypocritical liar. Still, I might have considered voting for him had he normal arms. I mean, yeah, there's that whole POW, tortured-by-those-fooken-gooks thing, but still, my great-great-great-great-dead-great grandmother looks younger than him, and she also doesn't look like she's trying to feel me up during a grammar school slow dance like all those other pervy Republicans.

This guy is fucking awesome:

On Feb. 12, during debate on an education bill, Buttars spoke in opposition: "This baby is black, I'll tell you. This is a dark, ugly thing."

He's also from Utah, which means he just doesn't know when to stop:

Buttars, who has kept a low profile at the Capitol since his remarks, said public reaction has been hateful.

"I thought once again the first couple days, 'Well you're getting beat up but you deserve it, you made a mistake,'" he said. "But then they started getting meaner and meaner and meaner to the point it is just a hate lynch mob."

Here's context to mitigate his whoopsie, though it really doesn't, especially considering Dooder Von Epithet forgot to show up to a meeting today with the NAACP. He's probably Mormon.

I didn't see how the Republican primary played out Saturday in Guam, but today is Wisconsin's and I need to publish my preference for POTUS before he becomes even more irrelevant than he already is:



Fuck-yeah-abee! I don't know much about his politics, but he is a sucker for G-d:

"...I believe it's a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the living God, and that's what we need to do is to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards...

Done. No mas. No need to vet his stance on issues because I'm voting Christ for President. For really. You should click on that link because it's a pretty fun song:

Let's have Christ our President
Let us have him for our king
Cast your vote for the Carpenter
That they call the Nazarene

Uh, yeah, please download the song so this post makes actual sense. And G-d bless you. America too, I suppose.

Thank יהוה that the writer's strike is finally over. I was growing tired of filtering through actual news sources and trying to make sense of this crazy, crazy world. Now The Daily Show has returned and I can consume my news in a language I understand: sarcasm. It's rather amusing that an element of language meant to mock does more to peel away the layers of political casuistry than "legitimate" analysis might, but I suppose that's the reason people are more inclined to read [fancy author] rather than a tome on civil torts. Is there such a thing as civil torts? I once had a girlfriend in law school, but I forgot to ask her.

Anyhow, a break from The Daily Show didn't mean I was going apply principles of critical reasoning to my daily perusal of the NY Times, especially now that Billy Kristol is a regular contributor. Words confuse me, but languages don't, so I learned a dialect of sarcasm, snark, and began referring to Wonkette in order to keep straight who's a douche [08ama], who actually douches [Chelsea's p-i-m-p], and who first learned about douches way back in 1639 [McCain't].

Writing sample:

Maryland Republican Lawmaker Caught With Kiddie Porn!

In a rare display of political hypocrisy, a longtime Republican lawmaker has resigned today after child pornography was discovered on his computer. Can you imagine such a thing? Let’s meet Maryland Delegate Robert A. McKee, 58, a 29-year state representative with a proud record of fighting sex offenders. We believe the appropriate metaphor here would be “textbook.”

If Valentine's Day is something manufactured by Hallmark, well then, a simple card should suffice, n'est-ce pas?

It's so much easier to post clips from YouTube than it is to write. YouTube's also easier than buying a bunch of roses on Valentine's Day. Smooches, je t'aime beaucoup.

I might consider voting for Hillary if her best rocker days weren't in Bill Clinton's past, but since she's old North-East-West-South, I'm voting 08ama. His message: Yes, we can.




John McCain's: Uh, no, you can't.

All that Super Tuesday nonsense is going on all around me and I have the faintest idea who the new president is because the only vote I care about is this guy's:



Oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please yes I'm groveling over an 18-year-old but oh please oh please he's a special 18-year-old oh please oh please oh please...

I love that he has a press conference scheduled tomorrow for 12.05 EST. I announced my decision to enroll in university by asking the desk chick for a key to my dorm.

It's amazing how the threads of dialogue found in Letters to the Editor have devolved into something called wall-to-wall on Facebook. I used to look forward to the conflagration a not-so-innocuous letter might stir in a college daily that, while basically a forum for the insipid thoughts of hippies passing time till they registered Republican, at least made me ponder things I might not have otherwise, like the best spots on campus for sorority girls to give back their din-din, or if communism will run roughshod through the American economy if Michigan ever allowed more than 13 black people to enroll in an incoming freshman class. The legacy of such elevated discourse is Facebook, where people - myself included- find it completely normal to carry on email conversations in broad daylight and with megaphones. Whatevs.

Anyhow, this reminded me of the off-the-wall miscellanea I'd come across in the Eastern Echo or Michigan Daily, and today I found a response.

THE FRIGHTFUL FLATS

DEAR MERCURY—In regards to Officer Friendly's letter about blacks committing more crimes than anyone else ["Real Racism Research?" Letters, Jan 24]. Here in Portland, racial profiling is strong. The North/Northeast side of town never got as bad as Felony Flats. Take a ride there and check out the crank fiends and meth babies (all white) roaming the streets like zombies. Yes, these are white areas of town, and the criminals all look like your old toothless burnt-out grandparents, but the Officer Friendlys of Portland stop blacks more than whites.

Scared Black Man