If you're an average American you might not yet be aware that our national team failed to qualify for this year's World Cup after losing a one-on-one play-in match against North Korea last week. But don't despair: there's still plenty of good reasons to follow along, and not like we were going to do any better than two convincing losses and one unlucky close loss. So if you're still reading along then here's a collection of random thoughts posing as a stunningly comprehensive primer for how to understand the people who don't understand the World Cup, how to experience all the emotions of a sport you don't care about, and what to expect in 2026 when the US is a full blown banana republic and thus a world class soccer team.
Anyone who watches soccer for more than 45 minutes will suddenly begin using British slang. Before the World Cup I will call the goalie a goalie. Five minutes into the first game I will call the American goalie a wall and pretend every team we play is from Mexico. And after the first match has ended I will call the goalie a keeper, spell center c-e-n-t-r-e, say bollocks when I'm mad, ask my wife for a shag even though I haven't done anything the last week to deserve one, and drink enough tea to turn my teeth permanently crooked and brown.
You will discover who is 12% Columbian or took a train through Belgium that one time. Oh really, Nancy with the strawberry blond hair, you have to wake up at 5 am to watch Japan because some of your 23andMe results were written in Kanji? And yes, Dakota, we all know that you are spiritually connected through Kiva to an indigenous tribe in Paraguay so are rooting for Uruguay since close enough. For real, Rachel Dolezal is really just a woman who turned on the last 30 minutes of a Cameroon match four years ago and got a little carried away.
Except for Switzerland. You will notice not a single person you know or anyone you know knows is ethnically Swiss in the slightest. You will hear nothing positive said about the Swiss team all World Cup long; and, coincidentally, you will hear nothing negative either. Take a side once in awhile, Switzerland, and the world will start to care.
A bunch of sexless bros will let you know just how much they don't care about soccer. Wahhhh, soccer's sooooooo boring. I'm going to watch baseball - baseball! - instead. Or this four hour football game with three hours of commercials and twelve minutes of actual football.
Russia is hosting. Putin was waging a disinformation campaign through social media in an attempt to rig the FIFA vote when awarding the 2018 World Cup but accidentally undermined US democracy in the process. Trump was going to say something stern to him about it this week but oh yeah the US didn't qualify so he's FaceTiming Kim Jung-un instead.
Analysis and predictions. The primary objective of soccer is to discern between who's visited Europe and who hasn't. "Football? Oh you mean American football. How does my scarf look?" The secondary objective of soccer is to win at least a silver medal in 10 meter platform diving. And the third objective is to scratch out like two goals over three weeks and if you manage that you have a 95% chance of winning the World Cup. Based on those criteria I predict....
...Poland will win, just because. Go Poles!
Never mind. Spain will win:
Go Blue!
This primer wasn't very comprehensive. Sorry for wasting your time. I don't know much about soccer.
