Here's the video and I've pressed play:
0.20 – Creative editing made it seem as if the candidates came out together at the same time but really they came out individually to their own theme music. The Muslim not-Christian definitely-a-Muslim-and-that-would-be-a-bad-thing-how?:
And the insurance salesman:
0.42 – Is Mittens’ skin a real color?
I think he exfoliates with nuclear runoff.
1.42 – Mittens thanks Obamar for attending the debate but really meant thanks for being such a bitch at the last one.
2.35 – Mittens is going to have a college loan program because no one can get a loan for college, apparently.
3.35 – First question was please please please tell me I’ll have a job once I graduate. Mittens’ answer was there are no jobs but I have a lighter, a bottle of scotch, two pennies, and a book of spells.
5.45 – I have no idea what Obamar just said but it sounded like the lyrics to My Endless Love. Swoon.
7.03 – Mittens has a sad because everyone thinks he told Detroit to ffffffff off but really all he suggested was a managed bankruptcy in order to shed excess labor, renegotiate labor contracts, cut pensions, and preserve stock dividends, which is code, respectively, for: fire everybody; slaves don’t get no wages because slaves work for free; whuhhhh, you never shared a bunk bed with your great-grandson?; and I’m refinancing my yacht to buy a new Ferrari.
9.05 – But Deeeeeeeeeetroit I love my Ferrari-brand yacht fuck you fuck you you’re cool fuck you I’m out.
9.30 – Homeboy just asked Obamar if he can control the cost of gas. Obamar sang the next verse of My Endless Love then said he also has a magical horse. I’m not sure but I think he’s telling the truth. Mittens’ rebuttal was that he personally shot 13 birds with an old .22 of his father gave him oh gee whiz weren’t those just great times sitting around our Norman Rockwell house singing songs I love singing don’t you too?
16.18 – Oh schnihhhhhhhh, Obamar just gave Mittens the Whuh? look
20:23 – Obamar said we have to win the future while talking about renewable energy but I think he meant wind the future. Hahahahahahahaha forever.
22.40 – Mittens said the prices of evruh-thang is up, which inflation. I think he is the once-in-a-forever-and-ever politician who will return prices to 1910 levels, so hooray because then I’ll only pay a nickel for the porn I now get for free.
25.30 – Mittens just finished saying he wants to lower middle-class taxes and now it’s Obamar’s turn to say the same. I like the one guy’s plan better because he wants to lower taxes on the middle class.
29.20 – Mittens mentioned all the poor ladies out on the streets with their cup o’ noodles. I think my high school English teacher would call this foreshadowing since I sort of cheated and looked through the Binder Full of Women Tumblr before live-blogging a not-live debate that happened 10 hours ago. I would also call that foreshadowing since I guess I’m supposed to be a high school English teacher as well.
29.30 – Mittens’ 5-point plan for economic BOOM WOW involves energy independence within 5 years, which is less than the 8 years he promised in a previous answer. You’re probably wondering how he shed 3 years off his plan in just 10 minutes but I understand since I keep hitting pause to write these pointless observations, so even though I’ve only been at it for 30 minutes it feels like 50.
31.30 – Obamar keeps calling Mittens “Governor.” I think that’s code for I have an awesome job and you’re unemployed, blow me.
32.17 – It took me until now to realize Obamar’s tie is red and Mittens’ blue. At the first debate Obamar’s was blue and Mittens’ red. They hired lawyers to coordinate that shit. I’m voting for the first one who promises me $100,000 in college loans so I can get a job in officious Presidential bullshittery.
37.37 – Obamar was all blah blah blah women blah blah my mom and grandma blah women are so cool I love them want me to sing you some Al Green? I’m a man so I wasn’t turned on but it was Obamar so I guess I was. It’s Mittens’ turn now and I’m kind of disappointed I already know about binders full of women because otherwise I’d be all “Whuh the fuh could a smug, misogynist deeb with seven wives say to placate the fears of any modern-day Amurkan woman who was born after 1360?” but I already know. It’s not so much the gift as it is the surprise.
39.40 – Misogynistic bonus: We’ll have so many jobs that even people with babies and lady parts will get hired. Should have just said he’d even hump a fat girl if he were drunk enough. Trickle-down bar hookups.
40.13 – Even the guy staring at a pair of boobies across the room thinks Mittens is bad on women’s issues:
44.14 – Some lady asked Mittens how he differs from Bush and he decided it was better to pivot back to women’s issues rather than answer right away.
48ish – Glad Obamar was talking about China because he just treated Mittens like they were in the back room at Chinatown restaurant. CHINESE TNT IN YOUR FACE KABLAM YOU WANT A CREAM DONUT?
49.30 – Dooder just asked Obama to defend his record but lalalalala I’m more concerned that I'm only finished with half this bullshiz debate. Another 45 minutes? I’m going to drink a beer.
56.30 – Some lady with an accent (I’m white so I don’t have one) just asked Mittens about immigration. He was all, “You’re from Mexico? I’m from Mexico. Lo hace conmigo!” He also said we’re so great we’re a country of immigrants but GFY go back to where you came from we immigrated here first. Obamar will say the same thing except instead of “I’m from Mexico” he’ll say “Soy de Kenya.”
58.55 – Oh mah gaw Obamar said we ARE a nation of immigrants. I was muy correcto. Either this debate happened 10 hours ago or these deebs both plagiarized Kennedy I mean Nixon I mean Ford I mean who came after Ford? Oh ja, Carter I mean Reagan I mean come pick fruit, clean houses, and that’s it.
64.00 – CHINESE INVESTMENTS!!! Don’t get to mention l’esprit de l’escalier very often but Mittens has had 15 minutes to think of a burrrrrrn and he’s going to drop it. Except don’t play the dozens with homie from the block: You’re richer than I? Hahahaha…haha…ha……ha….? Sigh.
73.30 – Gah, they’ve been talking about foreign policy for like four hours now, though it’s generally pretty awesome sauce when the challenger calls the sitting POTUS a straight up beeeeeeee for having not yet dropped 19 nuclear bombs on the entire universe while the guy who actually deals with the intricacies of day-to-day diplomacy is just:
74.40 - Mittens got fact checked on the fly and has been buh buh buh but whuh for the last minute. I’m going to get my Speech Pathology degree and see if he’ll hire me as a personal tutor. My tax rate will be higher than his even though I'd be getting paid under the table, obvs.
76.01 – Even the post-racial President calls Aurora rather than that Sikh temple the most recent tragic mass shooting (I suppose all mass shootings are tragic so pretend I didn’t say that) but okay I think so too since Wisconsinites are obese first and American second.
78.45 – Ohhhh, Mittens just said we have to change the culture of violence in America. I agree and presume this is where he’ll start talking about divesting from the insane military-industrial complex that directly causes hundreds of thousands of deaths not to mention the ensuing misery that attends the complete annihilation of entire economies; and we will invest instead in things like education, housing, food security, and other general opportunities for pursuing a decent life. Obamar the Secret Muslim Terrorist born in the part of North Dakota that’s not in the US hasn’t so much lost my vote as Willard M. Romney, the 45th President of God’s Own United Perfect (except Mississippi) States of Amurkan Free Enterprise for the Poors, has won it.
79.30 – Nevermind, he blamed poor single mothers who gave up the cookies without getting married because they can just close their eyes and pretend gender social inequality doesn’t exist. None of this is at odds with cutting funding for Planned Parenthood, either.
86ish – My glazed eyes have glazed over.
88ish – I’m going to go potty without bothering to pause my live-blogging.
90ish – I was joking about the beer earlier but am really going to have one now, along with seven or eight tequila shots. Eight.
91.27 – I think Mittens has a crush on Obamar.
But don’t we all so no big shakes.
93.07 – Mittens just said Obamar’s campaign has mischaracterized him because in real real life and not just real sort-of-life he cares about 100% of the American people who aren’t poor, brown, homo in that homo way, or have lady parts even though the guy who pioneered the 47% meme was Mittens himself.
93.21 – I’ve spent my life in the private sector, not government, except for that time I was a governor in a government.
93.30 – I believe we’re children of the same god, which is why we baptized all those dead Jews.
96ish – Move the country forward! That was Obamar, obviously, because Mittens doesn’t believe in plate tectonics so how could he possibly move the country forward?
97.15 – TFG, the coup du grace. I hope they drop the disco ball and cue the bass track, otherwise it’s no fun watching the candidates tongue their wives.
Vote for whomever you think won the debate, or is more handsome, or both.
