Learning the Progeny

Parenting is one of the most genuinely rewarding life experiences: not because you're given the opportunity to shepherd another life from birth to meaningful adult autonomy, but because it's a chance to relive your own failed life by proxy. Dropped a meaningless touchdown pass in a high school football game between two unspectacular 3-4 teams? Make your boy stand outside in a snowstorm an hour at a time catching passes with no gloves on. Didn't buy Bitcoin when it was a dollar? Enroll your daughter in a weekend time travel class so she can figure out a way to send you back to 2010 with a stack of 35 dollar bills and in the process prevent her own birth since your rich ass will be riding Instagram models instead of her mom. Farted in front of your junior high crush while everyone was quietly taking a test? Rap all your kids on the knuckles with a bamboo ruler any time one of them reaches for a bottle of hot sauce. The point: our children may think their lives are their own, but they're not - they're meant to atone for our own lost opportunities. But since we're supposed to pretend otherwise, we have to disguise our vicarious ambitions as advice, which is why I put together a list of shit my own son needs to internalize if he's going to experience the fulfilling life I missed out on. I know there's zero chance he will heed any of this, but at least now there will be something to point to after he comes to half these conclusions on his own the same way I did: by fucking up. Here's all the advice I'm going to give you, kid:

Boys don't have 12 inch penises - The root of any social anxiety I have goes back to two things: (1) having buck teeth (mom saved your ass on that one, mijo!) and (2) my fourth- and fifth-grade classmates telling me they had 11 or 12 inch penises. I told them I had a 13 inch penis, but I obviously knew that was a lie, and I consequently felt both inadequate and like a fraud. I can't possibly relate how much dread I carried with me during junior high worrying all day about gym class and how I was going to hide my perfectly normal oui oui when I had to shower with all the big dongs afterwards, and how that dread seeped into other parts of my life. I guess all this peen biz won't apply specifically to my son since he lives in Korea and will have grown up going to bathhouses so won't be susceptible to the specific disinformation I was, but we can generalize this little story of mine to say all elementary kids are full of shit and will exaggerate everything, whether it's the eight-second 100 meter dash they ran when no one was looking or how rich their dad is. I suppose I could have characterized this bit of advice as don't believe the hype but I really wanted to share how I thought all my friends back in the day had literal foot longs. 

Make people laugh but not at someone else's expense - Nothing better than saying some funny shit and being rewarded with laughter, but base your jokes on shared experiences - you're not the only one with that insecurity - rather than someone else's broken self-esteem. Unless that person deserves it, in which case: go to town!

Don't say the first joke that comes to mind - Five other people just thought of the exact same hardy harr harr. It's even more likely the person you're making the joke for has heard that punchline a thousand times before and now you're just like every other doo who dropped the same tired bromide. A kid whose last name is Polio should intuitively understand what I'm trying to say here. Hurr, hurr, Jonas Salk. Get it??? Hurr hurr hurr!

Count the trees - Count everything else too and also make note of what color they are. Get in the habit of noticing details and committing them to memory until you do it without trying. Do this with people too, especially when they get haircuts. Tell them you like it even if you don't.

Check your review every 10 seconds -  Same as last advice but different. Always be conscious of your surroundings, whether a car in your blind spot or some sketch ball following you around town. I sound paranoid but I'm mostly talking about the local milieu. One time when I was teaching in Detroit, I took a student to lunch with me. We ordered our food and I put the money on the counter while they got our drinks or whatever. My student looked at me completely baffled. "You leave your money out like that?" Completely understandable attitude in a city where you can never leave for the weekend unless you want to return to a house stripped of all its copper piping. Now I live in Korea where you can drop your laptop, car keys, and family pearls on any old random cafe table, run off to the bathroom for 75 minutes, come back, and nothing will have been trifled with; and there's always a couple days of adjusting whenever I travel between these to trying to acclimate to whether I need to turn up the vigilance (USA) or go back to being entirely clueless (Koko). Read the room, basically. 

Don't pull too close behind a car stopped at a red light on a hill - You can't give half a foot of clearance to a car that's about to roll three feet backward. Being alert and aware will save you so much hassle. 

Find a partner who hates the same things as you - Most cults are bonded by shared existential threats, and since relationships are basically two-person cults, you can figure out your mutual interests afterward. Probably want to do that before getting married or even your second date, though. 

Listen to the birds while you can - 'Cause suddenly it's winter and all you ever see are crows and they do is remind you that you're going to die one day. Also, walk your dog while her hips still work so you never get on Reddit to post about how you wish you could walk your dog just once more since you have all the opportunity in the world to walk her now. 

Judge people by whom they think is stupid - The most common generalized criticism you'll ever hear is: that guy's dumb, or he's stupid, or she's a moron, or some other putdown related to lack of general intelligence. Everyone says it since it's just a culturally understood fart at this point, but at the molecular level anyone who uses this insult believes they are operating at a higher level of understanding than the person they're slandering. 

"Durrrrrr, Obama's a moran!" 

"Okay, high school dropout who does your own research even though you can't spell: the guy who ran the Harvard Law Review definitely understands this complicated political issue far less than you do."

Write it down before you forget - For real, you're not going to remember. Idea go poof!

Stretch regularly - Not that I'm speaking from experience since I'm not as fat at the time of publishing the way I was when you were one year old, but you don't want to get to the point where you're sitting on the toilet and are having trouble reaching behind you.

"Hey, did you pinch a nerve or something?"

"No, I ripped my oblique in two trying to clean my bum." 

This also applies to putting on socks without the use of two chairs and a crane. 

Learn how to read and how to ask questions - Seems obvious but it isn't. This book will earn you automatic admission to a tier 2 law school without having to bother with the LSAT:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Similarly, read lots of random shit - Feels intimidating sitting at a dinner table with people talking about things you don't understand. Happens a whole lot less when you read books, magazines, newspapers, and even Reddit. 

But if you're the smartest guy in the room then everyone's dumb or you're getting played - Self explanatory.

Read yourself into stories but not too much - Reading is a great way to develop empathy by registering all the ways completely different people deal with the exact same bullshit you do, but it's also a great way to develop empathy by registering how their experiences differ from all the things you take for granted as normal. Just keep reading it and you'll figure it out.

Education is knowing what to do when you don't know what to do - That advice was coined by someone else but now that I've kind of cited it, it belongs to you. Basically, learn to read (already said that) and how to think critically (haven't said that yet). And when I say learn to think I don't mean that rightwing bullshit about reading some rando's misspelled blog instead of CNN because they've confused confirmation bias for critical thought; I mean dropping the who, what, where, when, why, how on that azz while trying to sort out the bigger picture here. 

Don't hold anyone's bag - This applies to financial pump and dumps or the rando who approaches you in the airport asking if you can watch his duffel bag for a minute while he uses the toilet.  

Don't simp - No one's worth throwing your self dignity in the toilet over. They definitely won't return the simp when it's your turn to be the narcissist.

Give him a salute and a giggle - Any time someone gets aggressive with you or says he's going to beat your ass, you have two choices: either respond in kind so you guys can yell "Naw, bish, I'll fugg you up" back and forth for seven minutes without doing anything about it other than looking like meatheads; or you just fall over laughing at Mr. Tough Guy and then he's completely neutered. Same goes for flipping each other off back and forth, harder and harder. Just tell him he has a small wiener and you win the whole damn thing without having to use fists. Just make sure you've been to the gym a couple of times in case the doof really does want to fight.

Clip your nose and ear hairs - If women have to carry unwanted pregnancies to term then I see no reason why we can't make men trim their weird orifice hairs. I don't know why this isn't a universally observed grooming law. The reason no one cares about the rain forests getting razed is because all the dudes they know got one growing from their nostrils. 

Focus on the love you have - Everyone wants cooler friends than the ones they have but ain't nothing cooler than having a friend. There's a fine line between fighting for a relationship and giving up but you should never have to convince someone more than twice that they should love you. 

Don't join a mob without asking why - You're going to feel like a real chump two days later when what you thought was, wasn't; and that you were the manipulatable dupe all someone had to do was wind up and set down on the floor. This goes for social media pile-ons or actual mobs.

Never punch down - You have a nice house, alright parents, and probably a couple pairs of J's. You're also insecure but so is everyone else. Don't make yourself feel better by shitting on someone who has it worse.

No one's keeping your secret - People are hardwired to like stories, and gossip is just storytelling using especially familiar characters. People like to talk and that's just the way it is. It's not bad since it's human nature, but it's also something to keep in mind if you really don't want anyone else to know. 

Move on if she says no - She thought about it and she doesn't want your Pepperos. Not a very good feeling but neither is hearing the same no a month later. More importantly, she don't need some desperate boy making PowerPoints detailing all the way her feelings are wrong. Fastest way to get over it is meet someone else who makes you forget why you wrote all those emo poems (would've been songs had you stuck with the guitar) so that when you're 42 you'll be happy she didn't like you because now you have the family you wouldn't have had she reciprocated your crush.

People are what they defend - If dude's response to a bunch of Nazis harassing elderly Asians walking home at night is to respect free speech and that the marketplace of ideas will enforce marginalization and two days later he's absolutely furious about "criminal race theory" and talmbout banning it from schools, then dude loves him some Naziing.

Don't pattern your life on the animal kingdom - Fools out here be saying lions eat what they take and ducks screw whomever they want so men should too, but be careful about following nature's blueprint since some animals have no idea if they're nutting up a boy fish or lady eel; some are gay just so their little penguin nephews and nieces have a fun, disco-loving uncle; and a mule is what happens after a drunk horse has scanned what's left of the bar at 1:59 am only sees a donkey. On a side note: did you know when dad is a zebra and mom is a horse that chile is a zorse, but when dad is a horse and mom is a zebra then chile is a hebra? So paternalistic.

Take stock of yourself by taking stock of your friends - If they're good people, then you're probably good people. If they're not then you suck too.

Don't do drugs in foreign countries - Rules are different everywhere: and-1's don't count in the Midwest and you can't smoke weed in Laos.

Don't date older men - You have nothing of intellectual interest to offer someone 20 years older except the bootay. Okay if you want a sugar daddy, but otherwise you're young and dumb and that's exactly what predacious dirtbags are looking for. 

The only principle is self interest - Don't waste your time pointing out hypocrisies or double standards because the underlying consistency is always me and mine. Black dudes breaking down systematic racism one minute then claiming women are the real sexists the next, feminists complaining about a glass ceiling the same week they pulled their kids out of public schools because a Black family moved to their neighborhood, gay folk shitting on trans folk, and whitey claiming America isn't a racist country while saying everything's reverse racist against whitey. The only real victimization is your own and everyone else is just pushing their agenda on you. 

Everyone complains - A corollary to the last point is that people say you whine too much if you're protesting something they don't find offensive right before they launch into a tirade about absolutely nothing. This is most manifest in the olds who tell you to leave the country if you hate it so much right before posting 45 times a day on Facebook about the transgenders even though they've never met a single one.

Don't forget to bring a book - They never run out of batteries.

It's all in the hips - Dancing; skiing; skateboarding; and, most importantly, no one calling you white boy. 

Use your experiences to empathize but not to judge - Just because you went through something similar and came out better on the other side doesn't mean everyone else is going to make it too. Every poor guy who joined the army and went to night school while working seven jobs before retiring a self-made thousandaire navigated a minefield that most of them have mistaken in hindsight for a pleasant open meadow. "Just win the Squid Games like I did!"

Doing anything is better than doing nothing, but you should do something - Stay active and you'll never waste money on a get-rich-quick fitness scheme to lose 50 pounds in 3 months. Any exercise is as good as any other as long as you actually do them. Literally 20 minutes a day and boom, cardiovascular health.

Drink water, don't slouch - I just solved 75% of your health and pain issues. 

Don't take the elevator to the second floor - Bare minimum of self discipline. Once that slips then you're going to be a greasy incel living in your parents' basement, which is a problem since we live in Korea and don't have a basement. Make your bed every morning while you're at it.

Don't be the hero and you'll be the hero - You can't dictate circumstances, but you can surf them. 

If they're an asshole 10% of the time, they're just an asshole - Even Hitler liked his dog and bought his girlfriend flowers.

Browsing is better than searching - You don't even know your favorite thing exists yet. Not going to discover it if you limit yourself to the things you already like. Similarly, let someone else be the DJ.

Make sure your counterpoints are counter to the point - Learn about premises, claims, support, and evidence before you set out to tell someone why they're wrong about everything you think is right. Fools out here bringing a baseball bat and glove to a football game, rhetorically speaking. Then they go home thinking you're the dumb one.

The only thing you really need to know is how to ask a question - All the univere's knowledge awaits, my little Einstein!

Catalog the annoying shit people do and do the opposite - If it bothers you then it probably bothers everyone else. You don't have to tiptoe around other people, but you also don't need to stand on a table in Wendy's shouting about the good lord while Rico and meemaw over there just try to have a quick lunch in peace.

You probably drank five more drinks than you counted - Another way to say you never spend less money than you thought. This is my way of telling you to establish guardrails to protect you from losing track of time and everything else. 

Be courteous even though no one else is - It may feel cosmically unfair that you have to give up your seat for Grandma Kim because the five other dudes in front of you were either too buried in their phones to notice her struggling past or just didn't want to stand up, or eternally frustrating that you're the only person in Korea who's ever held a door for the person behind them; but it's honestly one of life's great small pleasures to share small acts of kindness with strangers. Plus, the courteous spirit you nurture spills into the rest of your personality, and the right people will notice.

Take corners slow - You can't see what's around the bend, and also body go splat. This is supposed to be a metaphor. I'm sure you can figure out the meaning on your own.

Smart is fast - Speed is the most important skill in sports. Can either beat your man to the spot or already be standing there because you just knew.

Don’t build a belief system around a bad idea - I'm obviously talking about Jesus here but applies to any ideology - religious, political, or otherwise - promising the secret to a meaningful life. There is no secret beyond being a decent person, maintaining healthy relationships, accepting that both good and bad things happen to both good and bad people, and finding enough joy to counteract the vacuous drudgery of working for the man. 

Tell the truth even if you feel like a chump - Truth is going to get out anyway but without the three weeks of stress wondering if you're going to be found out. 

Ask the person who asked you where you're from where they're from - Uno reverse power move. A lot of weird, self-appointed park ranger faux-alphas will try to assert their dominance over you by interrogating your right to exist in public spaces. "Do you live around here?" Answering puts you on the back foot because now you're trying to justify why you have the right to even breathe "their" air in the first place, but turning their question around on them highlights that the only authority they have is the authority to go fugg themselves. Or just tell them you're in a cult and are out recruiting vulnerable outcasts you can exploit for money, power, and sexual conciliation, and if they're not busy right now then do they have time to hear the truth about God? 

Turn the question around but this time in a good way - Finish your answers in a friendly conversation with: "You?"  Keeps you from accidentally thinking you're the center of the universe. 

Scrub your feet - Your legs aren't clean just because water trickles down from above. (Oh hey, an accidental metaphor about the economy!). I mean, does drinking a glass of water clean your teeth, or do you have to actually brush them? Same same.

Everything is correct in its own context - It's okay to eat a donut for breakfast but it's not okay if you've already had seven in the same way it's okay to shoot someone chasing your friend with a knife but it's not okay to shoot someone eating their seventh donut for breakfast. 

It either did or didn't - Could've, would've, should've accompanies everything that will ever happen to you, but the only thing that matters moving forward was what actually happened. Focus on that cuz everything else is just noise. 

Poco a poco - Every little thing adds up, and since time goes by faster than you think, it's suddenly a year later and you can either do the thing or you still haven't started. Consistency is the most important word here.

Keep shining - You don't have to be the brightest star in the night sky but I can still see you all the way from earth. 

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That was an exhaustive list of everything I've learned in life, nothing more. Hopefully mijo uses it to become the astronaut or basketball player I was meant to be.