Las Vegas just hosted the newest convention on the convention scene, called "How to Use These Insane Guns the Government Lets Us Have to Kill as Many People as Possible." Only one guy bought a ticket but everyone else had to attend against their will since that's how gun rights work in the US. "Oh, you and your kid are going to leave a half-finished banana split behind just because this AR-15 slung around my shoulder makes you uncomfortable? Freedom ain't free, libturd!"
Standard histrionics in the aftermath from both sides of the gun debate. Whatever argument the Guns Are Stupid side of the argument comes at you with can be distilled as "guns are stupid," thus the name of their official lobby: Guns Are Stupid. The Guns Make My Dee Hard side of the debate, however, has a whole host of reasons to own guns, all of them fucking stupid. Here they are along with impeccable logic proving them wrong:
You going to ban cars and knives too? Fucking stupid.
You can't regulate the evil in a person's heart. Fucking stupid.
Laws won't completely stop mass shootings so why even try?
Fucking stupid.
Good guy with a gun, baaaaaby!
Fucking stupid.
I am my family's personal Secret Service body guard protector! Fucking stupid.
My favorite issue of Playboy had the Founding Fathers on the cover and the only clothes they wore was the Constitution. Fucking stupid.
Let's get people the mental healthcare they deserve instead of taking away our guns. Fucking stupid.
Your mom. Fucking stupid.
Guns don't kill people, people kill people. Fucking stupid.
But I'm a RESPONSIBLE gun owner! Fucking stupid.
You don't need a gun to commit mass murder.
Fucking stupid.
I need my guns to hold off the US military. Fucking stupid.
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Okay, while my reasoning has been impeccable, I'll admit there's not enough logic. Let's start again:
You going to ban cars and knives too? Get me video of five non-idiots using a Glock to make a PB&J or an AR-15 to cut the beating heart out of an elk and I'll concede you have half a point. To get that other half-point you'll have to introduce me to just a single clown who rides a DDM4 to work because the bus takes too long. If you don't understand the point I'm trying to make here then ask yourself the following questions and I'll answer them:
What is the primary use of a car? It's a tie between sucking up 35% of your salary just to look like you're keeping up in today's economy and the place you sleep because you can't afford rent in San Francisco.
What's the primary use of a knife? Spreading butter on your toast.
What's the primary use of a gun? To kill someone.
What's the secondary use of a gun? To kill another someone.
What's the tertiary use of a gun? To accidentally shoot yourself in the foot while walking around looking like a cowboy even though you've never seen a real life horse before.
Also, bet you store your gun somewhere moderately safe but will leave your car overnight in a Taco Bell parking lot without a second thought.
You can't regulate the evil in a person's heart. The Catholic Church is aware of this. At least they've tried to counter it by shuffling their shitty pedo priests through different parishes, which is more than the US Congress has done. "Thoughts and prayers" that are technically true because those thoughts are about money and the prayers are that the NRA will still cut those checks.
Laws won't completely stop mass shootings so why even try? That's a really great argument. I'm going to pass it along to Jerry Sandusky's lawyers. When you read that he was released from prison because laws won't completely stop child rape then you'll be able to sleep at night knowing your legal acumen set a guilty man free.
Good guy with a gun, baaaaaby! Imagine a bunch of do gooder good guys in Las Vegas sensing this is their moment to be a hero as they unclasp the button on their holster, remove their gun, set their feet shoulder width apart and parallel to the target, flex their knees into an athletic stance, shift their body weight slightly forward, and then take aim with both hands at...well, wherever the shooting was coming from. Did anyone even know? It took a while to sift through reports of multiple shooters because that's just how sound works when someone's firing 8 million bullets a minute at a crowd of people. Feels like it's coming from all directions, and it's a lot to expect that a good guy with a gun is also a good guy with a gun trained in live shooter scenarios. Two most likely outcomes are that the good guy with a gun starts firing indiscriminately toward the Mandalay Bay and hits every hotel room but the shooter's or he gets mistaken as the live shooter by another good guy with a gun and ends up dead.
I am my family's personal Secret Service body guard protector! The only time your gun will effectively confront an intruder is when your 10-year-old son intrudes in the back corner of the closet where you hide your gun. RIP, champ.
My favorite issue of Playboy had the Founding Fathers on the cover and the only clothes they wore was the Constitution. I respect the Constitution as the basis of the rule of law in the US, but it's not sacrosanct. If you find my position here disagreeable then we will have to argue and argue and argue until we reach a three-fifths compromise, and that is: the Second Amendment may give you the legal right to own 42 uzis but it's not a good idea just because George Washington co-signed on it in between buying a shipment of slaves and beating them afterward.
Let's get people the mental healthcare they deserve instead of taking away our guns. But we'll take it away just as soon as we get 50 votes in the Senate to kill off Medicaid.
Your mom. 100% true, actually.
Guns don't kill people, people kill people. You ever see Stephen King's It? I haven't, but from what I understand the clown who charms young children into the sewer is an allegory for a gun. You buy one thinking you'll just take it to the shooting range now and then, but soon enough it's whispering to you as you try to fall asleep. "Shoot someone, shoot someone now!" And next thing you know you're at the mall firing away. Guns definitely kill people.
Or more succinctly: Nuclear bombs don't kill people, people kill people.
But I'm a RESPONSIBLE gun owner! Responsible gun owners own 12 gauges, not seven separate FN-15's. Don't forget either that just about every mass shooter ever was a responsible gun owner right up until they mass killed a bunch of people.
I'm also sure you're a responsible car owner. How many times have you accidentally left your dome light on overnight? Ummm hmmmm.
You don't need a gun to commit mass murder. Anyone who says this invariably Google's "mass murder no gun" and then posts the first three hits to whatever Facebook argument they're having. Oh lookie here, someone with an axe killed six people way back in 1926! Or, 900 people died from Kool-Aid inhalation in 1978! Or, seven masked bandits stormed a toy train with sharp rocks and killed the five people on board! Which is a lot of time and space to travel in order to compile of a list of 15ish incidents while I have to count back like two weeks to get the equivalent in US mass shootings.
I need my guns to hold off the US military. I've played paintball with paramilitary types. There will be a grand total of 17 minutes between the military turning tyrannical and them dispatching these clown fakesters, and 15 of those minutes will be spent flying their F-16s to whatever shed the Chuck Norris Fanboy Militia has stored their weapons cache and missiling them all dead.
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Summary: Guns are stupid. RIP to anyone who has died or will die because Americans have decided an AK-47 is how to best express all that freedom.
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