Breaking News: The Petraeus Emails
There are basically two type types of breaking stories: (1) Oh shizzzzz something wild just happened and (2) Some skeez been going on for dayzzz but we're only now finding out about it. (I'm sure there are more types of breaking stories but I'm writing this on the fly, so shut up, svp.) The way the various media outlets fall all over themselves to report breaking news 2.7 seconds quicker than their competition lends itself well to the first scenario since both the media and everyone following along on Facebook are getting the news in real time. A giant 300 ft. midget takes a potty on La Plaza de Mi Pueblo and everyone is WTF: the town getting doodied on, the experts being interviewed about the doodie, the reporters asking one asinine doodie question after another, and the people in rural Iowa who watch TV all day wondering if they could spread that doodie over their crops. The media asks questions, it reports the answers, and eventually a composite emerges benefiting our shared understanding. Go Channel 4 News!
Media coverage of scenario numero dos, however, resembles a gossipy shit show more than actual journalism since whatever happened already happened (durrrr) and the subsequent reporting of it is nothing more than waterboarding poor Schrödinger's cat, eg. the people of Mi Peublo awake one day to find a large, inexplicable doodie in the plaza. Someone reports El Guapo was seen near the plaza late the night before and now everyone thinks he should avoid Thai food. Three days later someone else learns he was actually out carjacking but still, no one will sell him hot sauce because the original narrative casts a disproportionately long shadow.
I only mention this because David Petraeus just got busted landing his infantry on the wrong beach, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. (You know what I mean, right?) News first broke about his affair and everyone immediately ran with conspiracies about suppressing his Benghazi testimony. Then the next day new information came out about the timing of the investigation and the conspiratorial winds shifted toward protecting Obamar's re-election chances. And on the third day an anonymous source spun the story an entirely different direction by leaking info about one crazy bee harassing another crazy bee, and since Amurka doesn't have universal healthcare and no one can afford their ADHD meds once off their parents' insurance, everyone just chases the red laser dot from one side of the room to the other even though nothing about the event itself has actually changed.
BUT NOT ME! That's because no one reads my blog, and consequently I can wait for the important details to emerge before filing a measured report since no one expects me to say what's up 2.2 seconds before anyone else. It also means I can pursue an entirely different line of investigation AKA everyone's waiting around to read the lurid emails between Petraeus and his concubine but I just hacked into his computer myself. I will call this my first breaking news report EVAR!!!
The Petraeus Emails:
Media coverage of scenario numero dos, however, resembles a gossipy shit show more than actual journalism since whatever happened already happened (durrrr) and the subsequent reporting of it is nothing more than waterboarding poor Schrödinger's cat, eg. the people of Mi Peublo awake one day to find a large, inexplicable doodie in the plaza. Someone reports El Guapo was seen near the plaza late the night before and now everyone thinks he should avoid Thai food. Three days later someone else learns he was actually out carjacking but still, no one will sell him hot sauce because the original narrative casts a disproportionately long shadow.
I only mention this because David Petraeus just got busted landing his infantry on the wrong beach, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. (You know what I mean, right?) News first broke about his affair and everyone immediately ran with conspiracies about suppressing his Benghazi testimony. Then the next day new information came out about the timing of the investigation and the conspiratorial winds shifted toward protecting Obamar's re-election chances. And on the third day an anonymous source spun the story an entirely different direction by leaking info about one crazy bee harassing another crazy bee, and since Amurka doesn't have universal healthcare and no one can afford their ADHD meds once off their parents' insurance, everyone just chases the red laser dot from one side of the room to the other even though nothing about the event itself has actually changed.
BUT NOT ME! That's because no one reads my blog, and consequently I can wait for the important details to emerge before filing a measured report since no one expects me to say what's up 2.2 seconds before anyone else. It also means I can pursue an entirely different line of investigation AKA everyone's waiting around to read the lurid emails between Petraeus and his concubine but I just hacked into his computer myself. I will call this my first breaking news report EVAR!!!
The Petraeus Emails:
Analysis of the Analysis
The best part about any presidential election is the analysis afterwards where the same dipshit media personalities who spent the entire one-year run up beforehand explaining why Candidate So and So was going to win now explain to the rest of us why Candidate So and So actually lost, which thank you for the breakdown since the person I want explaining the political crosswinds to me is the person who just demonstrated a severe inability to read the political winds crossing. I suppose you can liken political punditry to the ESPN meatheads who argue the favorability of matchups but end up wrong half the time because, hey, how could we have known? But that disregards the fact I can forgo political predictions entirely just by reading Nate Silver or PollTracker instead, whereas a sports analyst can't survey a representative sample of pitches beforehand to find out how many plan to be strikes, foul balls, or bloop singles to right. The false equivalency extends to the post-mortem as well, where the douchebag talking about sports can reasonably base his post-game analysis on his pre-game analysis while the douchebag on Fox, privy to this arcane magic some of us refer to as "polling," translates into sports talk radio as "I would have been right but didn't expect the other team to show up with arms and legs."
Here is my analysis of the right-wing post-election analysis:
Analysis: Hurricane Sandy ruined Willard's mitt-mentum and let Buh-lack Obamar look Presidential since he got to wear a bomber jacket and stand next to some houses that fell over. Or as Karl Rove put it, "If you hadn’t had the storm, there would have been more of a chance for the Romney campaign to talk about the deficit, the debt, the economy."
Analysis of the analysis: Because the four days Amurkans ooh and aah'd over Frankenstorm caused them to forget the previous 200 days of TAX CUTS SOCIALISM DEBT DEBT DEFICIT YOUR CHILDREN WILL BE CHINESE SLAVES OBAMAO WANTS TO STEAL YOUR KID'S PIGGY BANK TAX CUTS DEBT WEAK DOLLAR GREEEEEEEECE! That and Obamar's never looked Presidential before:
Also, New York and New Jersey were totally going to vote for Willard the 19th but then Obama personally gave everyone a can of FEMA soup so they all changed their mind.
Analysis: Amurka has invited G-d's judgment upon themselves through the re-election of Barack Omuslim.
Analysis of the analysis: Though G-d did send the very Frankenstorm that caused us to vote for the not-Mittens guy in the first place but probably because he forgot to take his meds that day.
Analysis: Obamar's negative campaigning turned off potential voters. Obamar was like Bain Bain Bain and since Millard didn't really defend himself a bunch of whiteys forgot to vote.
Analysis of the analysis: Obamar was obviously the first person to mention Bain so he had to make his own attack ads from scratch rather than ctrl-c, ctrl-v the shit out of Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum's shared YouTube account. Mittens could have also done a better job of countering the insinuation he was an out-of-touch plutocrat by talking less about tax breaks for his white collar homies and more about the sports his dressage horses play.
Analysis: Rmoney failed to press his advantage on Benghazi because some fat lady fact checked him in real time during the 4th or 7th or 15th debate, I forget.
Analysis of the analysis: This idea has merit because during Willard's relentlessly positive campaign he would pay broadcasters to run his ads from start to finish and they'd do so without pausing his commercials mid-lie to point out the previous statement was what Scandinavians call not remotely true, so how could he have been expected to work truthfulness into his opportunistic debate prep?
Analysis: Obama has no clear mandate because he didn't win by as much as he could have.
Analysis of the analysis: This was definitely the most important election of our lifetime since the last election but since not-our-guy won then nevermind. Also, if the Amurkan people wanted to give Obamar a mandate then they wouldn't have voted the Repubz into a House majority since people from all over the country vote in district elections and not just the Democratic- or Republican-leaning constituencies that elect their individual representatives.
Then again, I really don't understand all this talk of mandates since election rules only cover winning by at least one vote, not winning by an arbitrary margin that allows magical clearance to pursue the policies included in your campaign platform.
Analysis: Willard Mittens Romney the 24th Blue Blood Heir to the Mormon but Looks Waspy Empire wasn't conservative enough.
Analysis of the analysis: Because some obese Crisco aficionado from Alabamar named Johnny Lee Perkins (his friends call him Bo) who hates gubmit but loves his food stamps took one long look at Mittens and decided to vote ObaMAO instead.
Analysis: Obamar won the slut vote because sluts want free condoms more than they want rich people to pay less taxes.
Analysis of the analysis: Probably. If they get preggers then the Republicans will make them have rape babies. I'd also vote for my self-interests but since I've never been pregger then who cares.
And because this blog is definitely not biased one way or the other, I will also analyze the analysis from the commie left:
Analysis: The Repubz bought the white vote by telling crochety old Southern racists they'd fire all the black people from their affirmative action jobs, deport all the brown people back to Saudi Arabia even though they're Messican, and replace "E pluribus unum" on the National Seal with "God wills rape." There are more women and people of color than white men with legitimate mustaches.
Analysis of the analysis: Pretty much.
Here is my analysis of the right-wing post-election analysis:
Analysis: Hurricane Sandy ruined Willard's mitt-mentum and let Buh-lack Obamar look Presidential since he got to wear a bomber jacket and stand next to some houses that fell over. Or as Karl Rove put it, "If you hadn’t had the storm, there would have been more of a chance for the Romney campaign to talk about the deficit, the debt, the economy."
Analysis of the analysis: Because the four days Amurkans ooh and aah'd over Frankenstorm caused them to forget the previous 200 days of TAX CUTS SOCIALISM DEBT DEBT DEFICIT YOUR CHILDREN WILL BE CHINESE SLAVES OBAMAO WANTS TO STEAL YOUR KID'S PIGGY BANK TAX CUTS DEBT WEAK DOLLAR GREEEEEEEECE! That and Obamar's never looked Presidential before:
Also, New York and New Jersey were totally going to vote for Willard the 19th but then Obama personally gave everyone a can of FEMA soup so they all changed their mind.
Analysis: Amurka has invited G-d's judgment upon themselves through the re-election of Barack Omuslim.
Analysis of the analysis: Though G-d did send the very Frankenstorm that caused us to vote for the not-Mittens guy in the first place but probably because he forgot to take his meds that day.
Analysis: Obamar's negative campaigning turned off potential voters. Obamar was like Bain Bain Bain and since Millard didn't really defend himself a bunch of whiteys forgot to vote.
Analysis of the analysis: Obamar was obviously the first person to mention Bain so he had to make his own attack ads from scratch rather than ctrl-c, ctrl-v the shit out of Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum's shared YouTube account. Mittens could have also done a better job of countering the insinuation he was an out-of-touch plutocrat by talking less about tax breaks for his white collar homies and more about the sports his dressage horses play.
Analysis: Rmoney failed to press his advantage on Benghazi because some fat lady fact checked him in real time during the 4th or 7th or 15th debate, I forget.
Analysis of the analysis: This idea has merit because during Willard's relentlessly positive campaign he would pay broadcasters to run his ads from start to finish and they'd do so without pausing his commercials mid-lie to point out the previous statement was what Scandinavians call not remotely true, so how could he have been expected to work truthfulness into his opportunistic debate prep?
Analysis: Obama has no clear mandate because he didn't win by as much as he could have.
Analysis of the analysis: This was definitely the most important election of our lifetime since the last election but since not-our-guy won then nevermind. Also, if the Amurkan people wanted to give Obamar a mandate then they wouldn't have voted the Repubz into a House majority since people from all over the country vote in district elections and not just the Democratic- or Republican-leaning constituencies that elect their individual representatives.
Then again, I really don't understand all this talk of mandates since election rules only cover winning by at least one vote, not winning by an arbitrary margin that allows magical clearance to pursue the policies included in your campaign platform.
Analysis: Willard Mittens Romney the 24th Blue Blood Heir to the Mormon but Looks Waspy Empire wasn't conservative enough.
Analysis of the analysis: Because some obese Crisco aficionado from Alabamar named Johnny Lee Perkins (his friends call him Bo) who hates gubmit but loves his food stamps took one long look at Mittens and decided to vote ObaMAO instead.
Analysis: Obamar won the slut vote because sluts want free condoms more than they want rich people to pay less taxes.
Analysis of the analysis: Probably. If they get preggers then the Republicans will make them have rape babies. I'd also vote for my self-interests but since I've never been pregger then who cares.
And because this blog is definitely not biased one way or the other, I will also analyze the analysis from the commie left:
Analysis: The Repubz bought the white vote by telling crochety old Southern racists they'd fire all the black people from their affirmative action jobs, deport all the brown people back to Saudi Arabia even though they're Messican, and replace "E pluribus unum" on the National Seal with "God wills rape." There are more women and people of color than white men with legitimate mustaches.
Analysis of the analysis: Pretty much.
Definitive Guide to This Year's Presidential Election
The election is finished here in Koko so I'll go through all the reasons you should vote for either Obamar or Mittens even though the guy with a white mom already won.
Smile
Mittens looks like some self-congratulatory prick bag who genuinely believes all that contrived Republican enthusiasm is his birthright and not some knee-jerk reaction to anyone but Obama.
Ffffffff you I have awesome hair.
Obama looks like his dog just baked him cookies.
Oh who's a good boy you're a good boy I hope they're not chocolate chip!
Whether they resemble their opponent's caricature of themselves
Obamar is an atheist Muslim who's obviously a racist because he went to that one Christian church for 20 years. He's also a Maoist-Trotskyite socialist trying to turn the US into a neo-Marxist state based on Stalinist ideals because all politico-economic systems that differ ever so slightly from our own mixed economy are fundamentally the same. He was also a founding member of both NWA and the Wu-Tang Clan and is the most secretive President in the history of ever even though two minutes on Ebay and you will have accidentally bid on a semen sample taken from a couch he sat on once during high school. In reality he wears mom jeans, attends pointless meetings required of all bureaucrats, and earns a living off books only educated whiteys claim to have read but actually haven't.
Mittens is smarmy, self-aggrandizing dick stopper who hasn't really been caricatured by his opponents since all they do is play videos of him saying the stupid shiz he's actually said. In reality he's a smarmy, self-aggrandizing dick stopper but only because his secret Mormom underwear gets in the way of said pee pee. He's also a Horatio Romney, up-by-his-own-bootstraps kind of guy who made his personal fortune from absolutely nothing but the money and connections his rich daddy gave him.
Where their families are from
Obamar is from Kenya and Mittens is from Mexico. The official language of Kenya is English but in Mexico it's Spanish. Parlez vous Afrique?
Tanning regimen
Obamar is blackish so gets that nice even glow by vacationing in Hawaii where all those anti-American Polynesians live.
Mittens' hair is too much work to ever find time for a Hawaiian vacation so he endorses Romney-brand bottle tan instead.
Harvard
Mittens rightfully mocks Obamar's elitist, out-of-touch attitudes by pointing out he's spent a little too much time at Harvard. Emphasis on little because Mittens has spent a large too much time there earning both his degrees, whereas one of Obamar's is from a completely different Ivy.
How they sound when talking to black folk
Obamar pretends he's an old Southern white woman:
Mittens pretends black kids are locked up in kennels at night:
Cars
Mittens is having trouble living down that whole "Let Detroit go bankrupt" thing but he owns like 42 cars, and most of them are probably American-made, so he's done his level best to keep the auto industry afloat. Obamar, on the other hand, conscripted every able-bodied 20- to 24-year-old male into forced labor camps. When I say forced I mean they had to join a union to get their weekends off from the Ford plant, but that's neither here nor Siberia.
Affordable healthcare
Both are rather well-to-do so both have decent health coverage. Mittens' idea of an emergency room is where the Red Dawn-types store their canned goods.
Deficit spending
Mittens is running on his business experience and a conviction that continuously accumulating national debt is explicitly immoral even though the thrust of his business experience was to make leveraged buyouts of companies he'd use as debt vehicles to pay himself for borrowing money he used to buy the company in the first place. Sort of like taking out a loan to buy a car to use as collateral on another loan, using that loan to pay yourself for having bought that car, then walking away and leaving the car itself on the hook for repayment. He will spend less than the government takes in, no doubt, because the Republican Party is known as the more fiscally responsible of the two parties even though deficits tend to increase much more dramatically when they're in power than when the Democrats are. Ever read 1984?
Obamar inherited a shitty economy and record deficits but is somehow solely responsible for the explosion in debt because there were no policies implemented before he took office that must be accounted for in the budget. He's been trimming like $4 every year from the budget so that he can technically claim he's cut the deficit every year. Ever read 1985?
Surrogate kung fu
Chuck Norris has a crush on Mittens. This is how he Asian fights:
I don't technically know who Black Dynamite would vote for but he's black, durrrrr, so there's a 90% chance it'd be Obamar. This is how he Asian fights:
Religion
Obamar is bad because the black leadership of his Christian-even-though-he-is-Muslim church was predictably critical of the white power structure that had marginalized its congregants for so long. Homeboy attended that church for 20 years even though the people there had the temerity to regard themselves as first-class citizens and to find it hypocritical the one true Land of the Free™ didn't necessarily agree with that assessment.
Mittens' church told him he had to believe black people were subhuman until he was in this 30s but then they changed their minds and said he could pretend black people were okay now. Mittens never protested his church's stance on the KKK is okay because it's not like there was any precedence within the Mormon church of revolting against official doctrine save that one time his family moved down to Mexico so daddy could beat all nine of his wives.
Religion, part 2
Paula Rian, Mittens' VP, claimed yesterday Obama was leading the country away from Judeo-Christian Western values. He is presumably moving us toward European socialist values embodied by all those countries in that one continent where Western civilization was born and the Christian Church is seated.
WW3
Mittens is angry that Obamar said we're going to leave Iraq in 2014 even though Mittens said he will have US forces out by 2014. He's also angry Obamar didn't sign a SOFA with Iraq even though Obamar has been observing the SOFA already signed by the President who was President when they signed the SOFA with Iraq. To prove he is angry he will start WW3 by bombing Iran because Israel will call him an anti-Semitic bitch if he doesn't even though Israel spends most of its free time ruining the lives of the Semitic people living in Palestine who observe the same Semitic religion as Iranians do.
At the moment Obamar is content just playing around with his radio-controlled drone collection the Pentagon gave him for Christmas. He's not allowed to play with them indoors so he has to go outside in Pakistan if he wants to use them.
Sheer amount of family
The Obamars:
I count three bedrooms there, though if Buh-lack Obamar is really serious about cutting the deficit then he'll buy bunk beds and fit the two girls into one room. Rent out the spare bedroom and maybe a teacher in rural Mississippi can afford erasers for her students' pencils or something.
The Rodneys:
If Mittens wins then they're going to have to build an Even Wester Wing to accommodate all their spawn as well as a rabbit conservatory to account for all the breeding pairs. 53% of the population is going to have to foot that bill, my friend.
This blog's official endorsement
Whole bunch of durrrrrrr:
I don't care that Obamar can detain me indefinitely for growing a beard, or that he moonlights as a Thai masseuse for various captains of industry, or that he's more of a dick than GWB when it comes to whoops collateral damage oh haaaiiii; I just can't bring myself to believe Mittens is anything other than a narcissistic bully who will use "free enterprise" as cover for the further extraction of wealth from the middle class into his own as well as an excuse to invest the government money he claims anathema to in death industries rather than quality-of-life industries. He also hates gay people, so fuck him and the hair dye he rode in on.
Smile
Mittens looks like some self-congratulatory prick bag who genuinely believes all that contrived Republican enthusiasm is his birthright and not some knee-jerk reaction to anyone but Obama.
Ffffffff you I have awesome hair.
Obama looks like his dog just baked him cookies.
Oh who's a good boy you're a good boy I hope they're not chocolate chip!
Whether they resemble their opponent's caricature of themselves
Obamar is an atheist Muslim who's obviously a racist because he went to that one Christian church for 20 years. He's also a Maoist-Trotskyite socialist trying to turn the US into a neo-Marxist state based on Stalinist ideals because all politico-economic systems that differ ever so slightly from our own mixed economy are fundamentally the same. He was also a founding member of both NWA and the Wu-Tang Clan and is the most secretive President in the history of ever even though two minutes on Ebay and you will have accidentally bid on a semen sample taken from a couch he sat on once during high school. In reality he wears mom jeans, attends pointless meetings required of all bureaucrats, and earns a living off books only educated whiteys claim to have read but actually haven't.
Mittens is smarmy, self-aggrandizing dick stopper who hasn't really been caricatured by his opponents since all they do is play videos of him saying the stupid shiz he's actually said. In reality he's a smarmy, self-aggrandizing dick stopper but only because his secret Mormom underwear gets in the way of said pee pee. He's also a Horatio Romney, up-by-his-own-bootstraps kind of guy who made his personal fortune from absolutely nothing but the money and connections his rich daddy gave him.
Where their families are from
Obamar is from Kenya and Mittens is from Mexico. The official language of Kenya is English but in Mexico it's Spanish. Parlez vous Afrique?
Tanning regimen
Obamar is blackish so gets that nice even glow by vacationing in Hawaii where all those anti-American Polynesians live.
Mittens' hair is too much work to ever find time for a Hawaiian vacation so he endorses Romney-brand bottle tan instead.
Harvard
Mittens rightfully mocks Obamar's elitist, out-of-touch attitudes by pointing out he's spent a little too much time at Harvard. Emphasis on little because Mittens has spent a large too much time there earning both his degrees, whereas one of Obamar's is from a completely different Ivy.
How they sound when talking to black folk
Obamar pretends he's an old Southern white woman:
Mittens pretends black kids are locked up in kennels at night:
Cars
Mittens is having trouble living down that whole "Let Detroit go bankrupt" thing but he owns like 42 cars, and most of them are probably American-made, so he's done his level best to keep the auto industry afloat. Obamar, on the other hand, conscripted every able-bodied 20- to 24-year-old male into forced labor camps. When I say forced I mean they had to join a union to get their weekends off from the Ford plant, but that's neither here nor Siberia.
Affordable healthcare
Both are rather well-to-do so both have decent health coverage. Mittens' idea of an emergency room is where the Red Dawn-types store their canned goods.
Deficit spending
Mittens is running on his business experience and a conviction that continuously accumulating national debt is explicitly immoral even though the thrust of his business experience was to make leveraged buyouts of companies he'd use as debt vehicles to pay himself for borrowing money he used to buy the company in the first place. Sort of like taking out a loan to buy a car to use as collateral on another loan, using that loan to pay yourself for having bought that car, then walking away and leaving the car itself on the hook for repayment. He will spend less than the government takes in, no doubt, because the Republican Party is known as the more fiscally responsible of the two parties even though deficits tend to increase much more dramatically when they're in power than when the Democrats are. Ever read 1984?
Obamar inherited a shitty economy and record deficits but is somehow solely responsible for the explosion in debt because there were no policies implemented before he took office that must be accounted for in the budget. He's been trimming like $4 every year from the budget so that he can technically claim he's cut the deficit every year. Ever read 1985?
Surrogate kung fu
Chuck Norris has a crush on Mittens. This is how he Asian fights:
I don't technically know who Black Dynamite would vote for but he's black, durrrrr, so there's a 90% chance it'd be Obamar. This is how he Asian fights:
Religion
Obamar is bad because the black leadership of his Christian-even-though-he-is-Muslim church was predictably critical of the white power structure that had marginalized its congregants for so long. Homeboy attended that church for 20 years even though the people there had the temerity to regard themselves as first-class citizens and to find it hypocritical the one true Land of the Free™ didn't necessarily agree with that assessment.
Mittens' church told him he had to believe black people were subhuman until he was in this 30s but then they changed their minds and said he could pretend black people were okay now. Mittens never protested his church's stance on the KKK is okay because it's not like there was any precedence within the Mormon church of revolting against official doctrine save that one time his family moved down to Mexico so daddy could beat all nine of his wives.
Religion, part 2
Paula Rian, Mittens' VP, claimed yesterday Obama was leading the country away from Judeo-Christian Western values. He is presumably moving us toward European socialist values embodied by all those countries in that one continent where Western civilization was born and the Christian Church is seated.
WW3
Mittens is angry that Obamar said we're going to leave Iraq in 2014 even though Mittens said he will have US forces out by 2014. He's also angry Obamar didn't sign a SOFA with Iraq even though Obamar has been observing the SOFA already signed by the President who was President when they signed the SOFA with Iraq. To prove he is angry he will start WW3 by bombing Iran because Israel will call him an anti-Semitic bitch if he doesn't even though Israel spends most of its free time ruining the lives of the Semitic people living in Palestine who observe the same Semitic religion as Iranians do.
At the moment Obamar is content just playing around with his radio-controlled drone collection the Pentagon gave him for Christmas. He's not allowed to play with them indoors so he has to go outside in Pakistan if he wants to use them.
Sheer amount of family
The Obamars:
I count three bedrooms there, though if Buh-lack Obamar is really serious about cutting the deficit then he'll buy bunk beds and fit the two girls into one room. Rent out the spare bedroom and maybe a teacher in rural Mississippi can afford erasers for her students' pencils or something.
The Rodneys:
If Mittens wins then they're going to have to build an Even Wester Wing to accommodate all their spawn as well as a rabbit conservatory to account for all the breeding pairs. 53% of the population is going to have to foot that bill, my friend.
This blog's official endorsement
Whole bunch of durrrrrrr:
I don't care that Obamar can detain me indefinitely for growing a beard, or that he moonlights as a Thai masseuse for various captains of industry, or that he's more of a dick than GWB when it comes to whoops collateral damage oh haaaiiii; I just can't bring myself to believe Mittens is anything other than a narcissistic bully who will use "free enterprise" as cover for the further extraction of wealth from the middle class into his own as well as an excuse to invest the government money he claims anathema to in death industries rather than quality-of-life industries. He also hates gay people, so fuck him and the hair dye he rode in on.
Filtering the News Through Me Me Me
I grabbed a screenshot from The Daily Show when Jon Stewart compared NYC to the Korean Peninsula at night since the only way for me to make sense of any tragedy is to relate it to my own personal experience.
If this were Korea then whoever took this photo would be facing west along the the DMZ, because geography. Appears I have at least one of Gardner's multiple intelligences covered, sÃ?
NYC's go at lights out was caused by Hurricane Sandy while lights never been turned on in Noko is the work of Hurrijong-un and the tropical storms that came before him, Hurr-il-sung and whatever creative way you can combine hurricane with Kim Jong-il. I can't. Suppose this means that little oasis of light there on the right side of the photo would represent Pyongyang - if we're going to maintain this analysis - which is coincidentally where I just opened a new night club. Tell the bouncer Sandy sent you and I'll wave the cover.
If this were Korea then whoever took this photo would be facing west along the the DMZ, because geography. Appears I have at least one of Gardner's multiple intelligences covered, sÃ?
NYC's go at lights out was caused by Hurricane Sandy while lights never been turned on in Noko is the work of Hurrijong-un and the tropical storms that came before him, Hurr-il-sung and whatever creative way you can combine hurricane with Kim Jong-il. I can't. Suppose this means that little oasis of light there on the right side of the photo would represent Pyongyang - if we're going to maintain this analysis - which is coincidentally where I just opened a new night club. Tell the bouncer Sandy sent you and I'll wave the cover.
