If I'd have gotten around to writing this in the early days of whatever Mayan prophecy we're living through right now, I'd have texted out like two paragraphs on staying your ass home because actual public health professionals said this is serious while your frat bros from Facebook State were saying it was just the flu so let's parrrrrrrr-tay. But since those early days this fucker has gone sideways, backwards, this way, thataway, up your butt and around the corner. There's no real coherence left to any of this other than everything is dicked beyond disbelief, so instead of writing anything focused I'm just going to respond to all the assery I've seen trying to downplay either the actual virus or the botched response. Guess that means I'm going to ramble on about Republicans for a good hour or two or until I'm dead from the rona. Anything in bold should be read in the shrill voice of a white woman named Debbie who has a silver-blond perm, isn't too racist, and supports our Lord and President Donald Trump because you should respect the office except when a socialist black man occupies it or there's a portrait unveiling to skip.
This is a Democratic and liberal news media coup to bring down the President! - Shut the fuck up. And great, I just exhausted the only reasonable response to all the other shit Real Americans™ are saying about this COVID thing. Going to have to get creative if I want to keep writing this.
You're making this a political thing! - Aside from politics and policy being related words that you can toggle between when making a bad faith argument, legitimately criticizing an absolute dump of a response to a global pandemic everyone kind of saw coming since 1918 and definitely saw coming since early January is not "political" in the same way making shit up about the ancient Kenyan city of Benghazi is. It's not political to point out facts when the context makes them even more damning than if they had only been taken out of context. Nor is it political to say Donald Trump wears orange makeup and stands like a Weeble; to mention he's sexually assaulted numerous women, including the mother of his three worst children; or to harp on the numerous dipshit things he's done to make this thing 40x worse than if he'd pulled out his wiener during whatever briefing he was first told about the rona and ordered everyone else - but not Jared! - to figure it out instead while he jerked off, literally and figuratively. But that's what happens when you only have four working synapses, and once you string those synapses together in every conceivable combination the human diarrhea bag still has exponentially less intellectual firepower than the dumbest gorilla in the zoo, which is why his answer to everything is the stock market.
This is a Democratic and liberal news media coup to bring down the President! - Shut the fuck up again, since COVID was a whole ass re-election gift from Republican Jesus himself. The economy - the single issue affecting Trump's re-election odds - was going to do whatever it did between January and November, but then some Chinese granny had a bowl of soup, and heyo. No one - not even the 13-year-old he raped - can blame that human bidet for an imported global pandemic. Close the borders to all foreigners and an American returning from abroad was invariably going to smuggle the virus in, and from there community transmission was inevitable. Once the rona hit, all that frayed carpet-headed fuck had to do to ensure his re-election was pretend to take this thing seriously. Could have even cut his working day short by handing the response off to people who had heard of coronaviruses before the prior Tuesday and sat in his rape room collecting all the credit for a successful containment strategy. Instead that insipid cow chose magical thinking over basic ass science even Don Jr. could understand, and now we have a severely depressed economy instead of one treading water. I'm no economist, statistician, or quantum physicist who deals in probabilities from parallel universes, but I can look at all the other countries dealing with the exact same rona bullshit and notice we're the only one who had 40 million people file for unemployment. That's all on Trump and the rest of you "open the economy" sub-human colostomy bags because this thing could have been far less painful - respiratory, economically, socially, or otherwise.
It's all China's fault! - I've read timelines about what China knew and when they knew it and were they forthcoming about what they knew or did they hide that info from the global community, and all I know is who really gives a shit since everyone definitely knew the rona was real two months later when Eric Trump was selling stocks on Twitter and his absentee dad was on TV saying it would magically disappear the following week. Rather amazing that little ol' me sitting in my kitchen drinking lukewarm coffee was reading about the Chinese government disappearing doctors sounding the alarm about a viral outbreak and knew something was up, yet the US intelligence and national security apparatus had no fucking clue until the Chinese Government announced the rona on their official Facebook page, or something. China going to surround the entire US mainland with nuclear missiles; say, no, those are just chocolate rabbits for Easter; and Trump going to say he couldn't have known because the Chinese never told him they were planning an attack. Alright now.
China will pay damages! - Bruh, you ever try to get a country to own up to breaking shit? The US, for example, where even when they say they'll pay reparations they give the mules they promised to the bank instead.
The cure can't be worse than the disease! - There's this idea floating around the National Coalition of the Permed Gentry that the economic distress caused by social distancing measures will kill more people than the actual rona will, which is pretty doubtful. Maybe I'm wrong but I'm definitely not. But either way, now that we're emphasizing the economic impact on early mortality, I'm excited for the political right to have finally joined those of us on the left advocating for Medicare for All, student loan forgiveness, equitable school funding, food assistance for the welfare queens, and all the other issues that cause extreme systematic distress. Glad we're suddenly concerned about suicide though. Hope that concern lasts until the next pandemic.
You can't live in fear of the virus! - Okay, Susan and Greg, this is how that argument actually works: it applies when a fifth-generation Mexican family moves into your child's school district and you are only fourth-generation German; it doesn't apply when talking about a non-sentient virus that travels via sneeze and can only be mitigated by science, not moxy. Wear a mask.
Cars kill people too! - The frequency people have been referencing traffic deaths you'd think we were trying to take away their guns. I guess the argument here is that we don't stop driving just because people get into car accidents, so why should we stop eating at Red Lobster just because grandma got the fake flu? I actually don't think cars are a bad comparison here, but everyone whining about government tyranny has it completely backwards. Their analogy is that we still drive despite the risk, but a more accurate analogy would be to remove traffic laws, traffic norms, traffic signals, traffic signs, lane dividers, seat belts, air bags, crumple zones, bumpers, and whatever else makes driving safer than it would be otherwise, and then let everyone rip whether they've had 14 beers or none. Stay home.
Trump is so brave because he shut the border down with China while the librul Dems called him a racist - Trump didn't shut the border down: he stopped Chinese nationals from flying to the States. The difference between those two things is the half a million people who've arrived in the US on flights from China since our bio-hazard of a President "closed" the border. Maybe the Americans in China were immune to the rona, but looking at at a world map to see where all the sick people are, I'ma say probably not. Textbook racism.
Protect the vulnerable populations so the rest of us can get back to living! - Vulnerable or high risk just means fat or older than your dad, so half the country. Your big idea here is to lock up half the country while you go out, catch the virus, and bring it home to them instead of letting them get it themselves via curbside pickup? Y'all dumbasses have never taken a science class, have you?
But let's entertain this idea for a minute. Vulnerable or high-risk when talking about the rona refers to who's most likely to die if they catch it since everyone's equally vulnerable to becoming a carrier. So under current social distancing guidelines, your live-in grandpa is allowed full access to the house: can make a sandwich in the kitchen, take a doodie in the master bathroom, and take a nap in the backyard. But once we "protect" the vulnerable, grandpa has to pass the next six months in just a tiny room because your ass keeps going to the club and collecting complimentary rona with the paid gonorrhea. Multiply that by 150 million people and wow, you should go back to college because you've just been accepted to a Master's in Public Policy program.
Now, what Trump had really said was! - All these yokels spent eight years making fun of Obama for being so stupid that he couldn't speak without a teleprompter, and then we get a white moron as President instead and they're suddenly betraying their allegiance to nouns, verbs, and the other parts of speech to claim the random letters that dribble out of Donald Trump's mouth like applesauce represent a very profound idea, as long as you're willing to learn enough cryptology and Illuminati symbolism to even hazard a guess at the bullshit he's going to disavow the next day anyhow. Yeah, I get it: Donald Trump most likely didn't mean y'all should drink Clorox, and that "hitting the body with tremendous ultraviolet or just very powerful light" is an actual medical procedure; but at the same time, 30 people in NYC heard that and drank Clorox, and had someone even half as smart as Obama been speaking instead they would have called it UVR, or chemo, or whatever, not the "through the skin or up the butt" ultraviolet. Then we get three weeks of morons allergic to masks pretending to be medical researchers just to justify Trump's dumbfuckery even though the Orange Mold himself claimed the very next day that he was bullshitting.
Point: UVB phototherapy is a process by which ultraviolet B is administered to the skin to impede the growth of cells that cause psoriasis, which isn't rona but could be if you squint hard enough.
Counterpoint: Trump said he was being sarcastic when he said to drink bleach.
Response: Trump is a victim of the liberal mainstream media deep state. I own a gun, pussy.
So, yeah: the point of all these briefings is to communicate the facts as best understood at the moment and then explain the plan going forward. Having a bumbling horse clown read aloud from the book report he winged off the back cover only adds to the confusion rather than clarify anything.
These guidelines are so dumb! What's the difference between 6 feet and 6 feet 3 inches, huh, huh, huh? - It's about mitigating risk, not getting the patient count down to zero, you dumb ass dumbass. That argument applies to all your dumb complaints about masks not being 1000% effective or limiting gatherings to 10 people. Can play tug-of-war with 20 other people and go home rona free only to catch it on a coffee date. Then again, you a ho and met 30 people on that coffee date so math checks out.
Liberate Michigan! - Y'all peens with guns and gross beards are protesting the wrong government. Ain't Big Gretch's fault that the feds ain't testing and ain't tracing because they're too busy stealing the states' PPE equipment like this were an old Western about train robbers. There are actual sophisticated steps you can take if you don't want to shut the entire economy down, but since the one guy with the authority to do just that is actually sabotaging the process instead, well then. And yeah, sorry you can't mow your neighbor's lawn for an twenty extra dollars you could have used on potato chips. The Trump Government could have printed $4 trillion dollars and given it to you but they gave it to the banks instead. Throw the buffs on Big Gretch's face, y'all. She's doing a good job.
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Okay, I'm done quoting Meth Ann quoting Billy Bob quoting websites that end in -info, -max, or -ox News when making asinine points about killing your grandma but not mine. From now on anything in bold should be read in whatever voice you normally read bolded headers.
Trump's play - All these right wing rona-flavored Kool-aid drinkers taking cues from the Orange Menace talking about COVID being a manufactured crisis so they go outside without masks and either stand too close to you in the grocery store or cough directly in your eyeball to make a point about cuck snowflakes, yet MAGA Incarnated himself gets tested every day and becomes lava level mad if anyone within personal valet distance catches it, because he takes it far more seriously than he tells you to. Anyone else who gets on TV and tells you to go out and "do the economy" is also taking it far more seriously than they want you to. Bunch of Facebook anti-vaxx conspiracy theorists always looking for something nefarious in a pizza basement and then an actual conspiracy with elites controlling the prole sheep slaps them across the respiratory system and they decide to strap granny to a sacrificial alter next to the soft serve machine at an Old Country Buffet rather than wear a mask. So why the discrepancy between what Trump does and what he says? Well, aside from needing coal (you) to shovel into the fire (the greatest economy ever!), he's also as prisoner to MAGA groupthink as he is the leader. The toothless inbred high school dropouts who vote in Florida think the rona is bullshit, so Trump has to act that way too. There's a parallel universe where he steps aside to let the experts do their thing and barely anyone dies and most people keep their jobs, but in that universe he also gets called a RINO cuck pussy traitor by people who can't spell youre or you'r, and while he doesn't lose re-election he does lose just a tiny bit of the adulation from a class of people he wouldn't actually shake hands with or let into Mar-a-lago. Fortunately for him, most the current governors are slightly less narcissistic and have put in all the hard work of mitigating viral spread, so even though Trump blames them for the economy he still takes credit for less people dying than if Big Gretch hadn't stepped in.
This is the new normal - The faster you accept this thing is going to probably last until next year the faster you'll stop getting pissed every time your governor extends stay-at-home orders another two weeks. The rona is an active, virulent agent we have no natural or unnatural defenses against, so even if the numbers drop and feels like we can go outside and hug strangers again, we're always one clubber pooping his pants from getting sent back to Lockdown Street.
People just want a sense of normalcy - Who really gives a fugg if happy hour makes you feel like it's 2019 again if 40,000 extra grannies have to die just because you didn't want to drink a Long Island at home instead?
Your dad isn't picking you up this weekend and neither is football - There isn't going to be any football this fall so stop reading all those season previews. Playing football is contingent upon entire ass communities cooperating with numerous public health recommendations, the easiest being to wear a mask and/or not threaten the governor with your AK. Considering half of Twitter is yeehaws filming themselves pushing their Walmart carts the wrong way down a shopping aisle, probably won't get football in 2021 either. At least Michigan won't lose the OSU game this year.
That's, like, your opinion, man! - There's a class of fool who treats the rona as a difference of opinion, where I think what I think and you think what you think but at the end of the day we respect each other's right to think differently because we are both reasonable people. That's not how this shit works, at all. If you spend your whole life believing in Jeebus Christ, when you die you'll get put in a box and lie in the dirt for eternity, dead. Since I spent most of my life not believing in Jeebus Christ, I will also get put in a box and lie in the dirt for eternity, dead. The only difference between us is I won't have spent my Sunday mornings thinking I was going to heaven. That's how a difference of opinion works. In Rona Town, what happens is a school shooter is murdering up a school and we're all huddled in a room together hoping he won't come into our classroom. If all ten of us stfu then we'll survive, but if just one of us whips out their phone to record a Tik Tok then the school shooter is going to kick open the door and rapid fire sneeze until we're all on ventilators. So yeah, you can have your different opinion about the rona but it's fucking dumb.
You accept risk every time you leave the house - Sub-intelligent clowns you had two classes with in high school but friended you anyhow are suddenly members of the pop-philosophy club. "A comet could fall on your head any moment, but you can't let that keep you from chasing your dreams!" I don't know, kind of makes sense. I mean, there's risk of getting the syph if I stay home every Saturday night waiting for some STD petri dish in a mini-skirt to knock on my door. There's also a risk of getting the syph if I go to Hooker Town with a $10 bill and my mom's good looks. You can tell me - since you're smart and I'm not - if those risks are the same.
We're all anti-vaxxers - The thing with Trump being in charge during this shit show is that federal agencies have shown a willingness to bend the facts to fit whatever crazy shit he said the day before. I don't think anyone with experience in vaccine development expects one to be ready for at least 18 months, but now that Trump has promised one by the end of the year I fully expect there to be one. Probably two parts bleach, one part UV, and three parts Alex Jones' body hair, but a vaccine nonetheless. Who's injecting that cuz I'm not?
The numbers aren't that bad if you remove New York - Wish that logic applied when we were deciding to start a 20 year war in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Why you need the federal government to do it's fugging job - As an avowed opponent of Build The Wall, it's nearly pointless to go all South Korea on the people in your state if the Southern Republican dickwad of a gov'nor in the state bordering yours tries to establish herd immunity instead. Someone's going to cross the border into your state looking to buy a bottle of liquor they can't get in their own and he's going to wipe a booger on a jug of milk, then your elderly aunt is going to buy that same jug of milk and drink herself to death even though she's been sober 7 years, 11 months, and 19 days. Also, her bingo hall is now a COVID hotspot. You can either have a unified national response or 50 local responses no you can't, you can only rock with the singular unified national response or everyone's going to die.
The real death count - They're either over-counting, under-counting, or have the death count calibrated just perfectly. The people who think they're over-counting know someone's sister's friend's mom who has a great-aunt who was a nurse in WW2 and said a guy got run over by a stallion, bus, and three pigs but they listed the rona as cause of death. Yeah, okay. The people who think they're under-counting look at charts comparing total deaths this year to last year, note the difference, and wonder aloud why Florida has blocked medical examiners from reporting rona deaths.
Where did the rona go? - Now that it's peak Kill Black Men season for the police, the news has shifted their non-stop coverage from people coughing 12 hours in a row to video of cops shooting rubber bullets at protestors, rioters, news cameramen, crossing guards, and the occasional moth that flutters by; and now a bunch of un-smart not-thinkers think they're clever by re-posting memes talking about "I guess Corona is over, hurr hurr hurr." I get that the liberal media can shape groupthink and persuade the public to embrace an Iraqi war that conservatives wanted, but just because the rona isn't getting the breathless coverage it was before doesn't mean an extra 30,000 people haven't died since you personally stopped paying attention. Who's the sheep here if you're the one who needs the media to spoon feed you information about a pandemic for you to believe the pandemic is real?
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Hot damn this is long as hell, or at least longer than quarantine. Bottom line: this thing is real enough that the entire support staff in the West Wing has to wear a mask, so you should too. Here's a pic to help you illiterati understand:
