Hey gurl hey, hollaaaaaa when you want to play.
Hallasan, The Prequel
Mt. Hollaaa was Hallasan before it was called Mt. Hollaaaaaa. She looks like this when you are standing on my roof waiting for the sun to go down:
Hey gurl hey, hollaaaaaa when you want to play.
Hey gurl hey, hollaaaaaa when you want to play.
You Suck because Chuseok
Korean Thanksgiving - Chuseok - was celebrated last week, which meant every Korean I know ran back to great-great-dead-grandpa's village to make sure he had enough to eat...
...while every non-Korean I know thanked the dead ancestors who invented Chuseok for scheduling it Wednesday, Thursday, Friday this year AKA five-day weekend, for some. Me, I had ten days off because my job is better than yours.
Since the last of my Korean ancestors would have left the peninsula like 20,000 years ago even though that doesn't square with human migratory history, I had no one to deliver the fruit and meat I bought the night before so ate it all myself for brekkie. Then I hiked to the top of Hallasan, Koko's highest peak, to have one of the most glorious tinkles in the Far East:
(Language note: the -san suffix is used to indicate a mountain, so you can either call it Hallasan or Mt. Holla. I opt for the latter.)
After shaking my oui oui less than three times, I researched Koko's geological history and discovered Mt. Hollaaaa was once an active volcano, meaning this crater is what burped up all of Jeju:
Depending on what time of year you visit, the lake there is either impressive or not impressive. It was clearly not impressive on Chuseok so I went back up the very next day to get a picture of it when it was less not impressive:
Wow, sharks. I told you it was impressive.
Hiking, climbing, or whatever you do to get to the top of Mt. Hollaaaaa is about nine hours round trip, which gives you about six hours to think about things once you take Korean phone coverage into account and fritter away the first three listening to the Tigers play thirteen time zones away. But after they lose 8-0 to some scrub team it's back to judging everyone else making the journey skyward. Here are some of the ethnographic observations I made about the mass of Korean humanity I had to share the mountain with that day:
Litter - You can just drop your empty beer can in the middle of Gangnam and never think of it again, but woe to the dude who wants to pee behind a tree in the middle of "sparkling" nature.
Consistency - The same Korean granny who will release sarin gas in the subway to ensure she's on that first elevator back to ground level - because OMG, two flights of stairs - will also nonchalantly walk to the top of Everest if she were allowed to.
Bodybuilding - As fit as you think you are, or even as fit as you actually are, every granny on any mountain here will reach the top quicker than you and do it far more stoically. They will also be sore for all of one bottle of makkoli afterward; meanwhile it's been four days since I "summited" Mt. Hollaaaaaaa and can still barely walk. I think it's because they're so arthritic that delayed onset muscle soreness has ceased to be an actual thing.
Protocol - You cannot hike in Koko if you actually like hiking. In normal hiking there are parameters of etiquette for sharing a trail through the great outdoors; in Korean hiking there is only bring your whole family and pretend no one else is trying to manage difficult terrain. Children will run around you and through your legs and their parents will say nothing because they are too busy watching dramas on their smartphones. Also, anyone who bulled past you five minutes ago will invariably slow their pace once they sense you would like to pass them in turn because, you know, right here in the middle of the single way up or down is the obvious place to crawl into bed and lick a kimbap.
Hunger - The most popular spot on Mt. Hollaaaaaaaaaaaa, or any other mountain, is not the summit. The most popular spot on Mt. Hollaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, and every other mountain, is the convenience store located near the tree line. We are enjoying nature here.
Chic - While someone invariably missions off in a pair of heels, for the most part everyone's suited up in very practical faux-Sherpa hiking gear purchased only two days prior. Also, perms are tight and lipstick's red, because sunblock. The same couple wear rules that apply at sea level are more strictly enforced the higher you ascend, so make sure your wool socks match your lover's else you'll be mistaken for the most afflictive of Korean pariahs: single.
I don't actually enjoy hiking so blacked out from the tedium before making any other observations AKA I'm finished here now. I hope you had a suitable Chuseok.
...while every non-Korean I know thanked the dead ancestors who invented Chuseok for scheduling it Wednesday, Thursday, Friday this year AKA five-day weekend, for some. Me, I had ten days off because my job is better than yours.
Since the last of my Korean ancestors would have left the peninsula like 20,000 years ago even though that doesn't square with human migratory history, I had no one to deliver the fruit and meat I bought the night before so ate it all myself for brekkie. Then I hiked to the top of Hallasan, Koko's highest peak, to have one of the most glorious tinkles in the Far East:
(Language note: the -san suffix is used to indicate a mountain, so you can either call it Hallasan or Mt. Holla. I opt for the latter.)
After shaking my oui oui less than three times, I researched Koko's geological history and discovered Mt. Hollaaaa was once an active volcano, meaning this crater is what burped up all of Jeju:
Depending on what time of year you visit, the lake there is either impressive or not impressive. It was clearly not impressive on Chuseok so I went back up the very next day to get a picture of it when it was less not impressive:
Wow, sharks. I told you it was impressive.
Hiking, climbing, or whatever you do to get to the top of Mt. Hollaaaaa is about nine hours round trip, which gives you about six hours to think about things once you take Korean phone coverage into account and fritter away the first three listening to the Tigers play thirteen time zones away. But after they lose 8-0 to some scrub team it's back to judging everyone else making the journey skyward. Here are some of the ethnographic observations I made about the mass of Korean humanity I had to share the mountain with that day:
Litter - You can just drop your empty beer can in the middle of Gangnam and never think of it again, but woe to the dude who wants to pee behind a tree in the middle of "sparkling" nature.
Consistency - The same Korean granny who will release sarin gas in the subway to ensure she's on that first elevator back to ground level - because OMG, two flights of stairs - will also nonchalantly walk to the top of Everest if she were allowed to.
Bodybuilding - As fit as you think you are, or even as fit as you actually are, every granny on any mountain here will reach the top quicker than you and do it far more stoically. They will also be sore for all of one bottle of makkoli afterward; meanwhile it's been four days since I "summited" Mt. Hollaaaaaaa and can still barely walk. I think it's because they're so arthritic that delayed onset muscle soreness has ceased to be an actual thing.
Protocol - You cannot hike in Koko if you actually like hiking. In normal hiking there are parameters of etiquette for sharing a trail through the great outdoors; in Korean hiking there is only bring your whole family and pretend no one else is trying to manage difficult terrain. Children will run around you and through your legs and their parents will say nothing because they are too busy watching dramas on their smartphones. Also, anyone who bulled past you five minutes ago will invariably slow their pace once they sense you would like to pass them in turn because, you know, right here in the middle of the single way up or down is the obvious place to crawl into bed and lick a kimbap.
Hunger - The most popular spot on Mt. Hollaaaaaaaaaaaa, or any other mountain, is not the summit. The most popular spot on Mt. Hollaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, and every other mountain, is the convenience store located near the tree line. We are enjoying nature here.
Chic - While someone invariably missions off in a pair of heels, for the most part everyone's suited up in very practical faux-Sherpa hiking gear purchased only two days prior. Also, perms are tight and lipstick's red, because sunblock. The same couple wear rules that apply at sea level are more strictly enforced the higher you ascend, so make sure your wool socks match your lover's else you'll be mistaken for the most afflictive of Korean pariahs: single.
I don't actually enjoy hiking so blacked out from the tedium before making any other observations AKA I'm finished here now. I hope you had a suitable Chuseok.
Whuhhhh?
I was totally at the beisbol when I suddenly realized...
...I hadn't written anything in this here blog for dayyyyz. Profundity to follow soon, I'd wager.
...I hadn't written anything in this here blog for dayyyyz. Profundity to follow soon, I'd wager.
WannaPre
It'd been awhile since I paid an organizing committee to let me do something I could entirely for free on my own, not to mention at my own leisure, so figured I'd grow a mustache like my main man's and do a little PREening for the camera, because what's the point of a Wednesday evening jog if no one's there to take a photo?
Nice stride, huh? SCREW YOU I'M FA(S)T!!!!!
This particular run was a half-marathon. Haven't run anything over 10 miles in quite a few years so figured slow and steady wouldn't win the race but at least I wouldn't die, a decent reward for finishing after most everyone else. I've already run a few marathons and have learned enough about humility from them not to give a shit when some 400-year-old grannie dusts me in the last 100 meters and all the finish line photos I'm emailed afterwards are of me looking at her firm calves, yum.
But there are exceptions, like when you're running an out-and-back and you see just how far ahead of you everyone is; or alternatively, how far behind you are of them. The mass of them is no big deal, right, but you can probably tell from the photo above that not a lot of whities were running, so when one of them passed me in the opposite direction and said, "Keep it up, buddy," well fuck that guy, especially now that we're a couple weeks on and I can't remember what he was wearing. Probably a pink polo with a popped collar. He definitely used hair gel.
That bro was about 1 km ahead of me when he called me buddy and 2 km later I passed him, because he was walking now. A little while down the road I called timeout for some doodie action (shut up, it happens) so got the satisfaction of passing him again after emerging from the toilet room free of my previous shackles. I wanted to call him some names as as I ran past a second time but am working on excising gender epithets from my lexicon, so didn't. I instead pretended he was my little baby boy and thought about the advice I should give him before his next long road race. This is what I came up with:
You can run faster than old people but they can shuffle harder. I'm sure you'd dust grandpa in a straight 200 meter dash. Can probably bench press more than him too. But you probably get through the day at a reasonable pace, whereas homeboy takes his sweet, geriatric time, meaning when you're on fumes near the end of the race homeboy will just be hitting his stride. Can't beat conditioning, so don't take it personally when he looks you up and down, calls you a straight up "young man," then muddles past while you pray no one saw what just went down.
Start the race in the slow pack. The final portions of a long run are wheat and chaff. If you go out above your pay grade then everyone's going spend the final 5 miles passing you; if you spend the first half among the fat moms and the 300 lb. dudes who figured they'd lose tons of weight training for a marathon but then only ran that one time when no one was looking, you'll get a mental boost from pretending you're stronger and faster than all the world around you.
Don't feel sorry for anyone whose face looks ready to die. You look just as ugly right now, and they're probably going to finish ahead of you.
Find your motivation. When you're extremely tired think about all the people you love and keep running for them. This will help for all of 10 meters. While not particularly useful advice as far as running goes, hopefully you will reconsider whether you actually care about the people you claim to love. Don't be afraid to walk away.
Keep a large tub of Vaseline in your washroom and make sure everyone who comes over to borrow your toilet paper sees it. Yes, they'll make assumptions about your sex life, but the only bump and grinding going down on a long run will chafe whole parts of you raw. Testicles are a nice thing, but only if they're protected by a scrotum sack that hasn't been worked over by 80-grit sandpaper thighs. Also, duct tape your nipples.
Get your doody sorted. No matter how regular you are, and no matter how hard you try to push it all out the night before, you're going to have to numero dos at 7:55 if your race has an 8:00 start. If 15,000 people are registered to run then 15,089 people are also rethinking last night's dinner and are already in line ahead of you, so plan accordingly. My suggestion is to just eat 9 Imodium A-Ds for brekkie.
Lie about your time. Don't talk to anyone who ran that you don't know. They're invariably going to ask how you did, which sounds innocuous enough, but it really means they're not happy about their time and are hoping to feel better about themselves relative to yours. Oh, she's cute and just being friendly? Well, you'll notice she's not talking to the guy over there who obviously finished 45 minutes ahead of everyone else, is she? You'll also notice you have a slight beer gut with absolutely zero sex appeal. So call her bluff by lying and then thank me later after that look of disappointment flashes across her face once she registers that even a slow, lying slob ran faster than she did.
Don't call me buddy. Or I'll stab you.
That advice was for my little baby boy of a half-marathon friend, but feel free to reference it before your own road race.
Nice stride, huh? SCREW YOU I'M FA(S)T!!!!!
This particular run was a half-marathon. Haven't run anything over 10 miles in quite a few years so figured slow and steady wouldn't win the race but at least I wouldn't die, a decent reward for finishing after most everyone else. I've already run a few marathons and have learned enough about humility from them not to give a shit when some 400-year-old grannie dusts me in the last 100 meters and all the finish line photos I'm emailed afterwards are of me looking at her firm calves, yum.
But there are exceptions, like when you're running an out-and-back and you see just how far ahead of you everyone is; or alternatively, how far behind you are of them. The mass of them is no big deal, right, but you can probably tell from the photo above that not a lot of whities were running, so when one of them passed me in the opposite direction and said, "Keep it up, buddy," well fuck that guy, especially now that we're a couple weeks on and I can't remember what he was wearing. Probably a pink polo with a popped collar. He definitely used hair gel.
That bro was about 1 km ahead of me when he called me buddy and 2 km later I passed him, because he was walking now. A little while down the road I called timeout for some doodie action (shut up, it happens) so got the satisfaction of passing him again after emerging from the toilet room free of my previous shackles. I wanted to call him some names as as I ran past a second time but am working on excising gender epithets from my lexicon, so didn't. I instead pretended he was my little baby boy and thought about the advice I should give him before his next long road race. This is what I came up with:
You can run faster than old people but they can shuffle harder. I'm sure you'd dust grandpa in a straight 200 meter dash. Can probably bench press more than him too. But you probably get through the day at a reasonable pace, whereas homeboy takes his sweet, geriatric time, meaning when you're on fumes near the end of the race homeboy will just be hitting his stride. Can't beat conditioning, so don't take it personally when he looks you up and down, calls you a straight up "young man," then muddles past while you pray no one saw what just went down.
Start the race in the slow pack. The final portions of a long run are wheat and chaff. If you go out above your pay grade then everyone's going spend the final 5 miles passing you; if you spend the first half among the fat moms and the 300 lb. dudes who figured they'd lose tons of weight training for a marathon but then only ran that one time when no one was looking, you'll get a mental boost from pretending you're stronger and faster than all the world around you.
Don't feel sorry for anyone whose face looks ready to die. You look just as ugly right now, and they're probably going to finish ahead of you.
Find your motivation. When you're extremely tired think about all the people you love and keep running for them. This will help for all of 10 meters. While not particularly useful advice as far as running goes, hopefully you will reconsider whether you actually care about the people you claim to love. Don't be afraid to walk away.
Keep a large tub of Vaseline in your washroom and make sure everyone who comes over to borrow your toilet paper sees it. Yes, they'll make assumptions about your sex life, but the only bump and grinding going down on a long run will chafe whole parts of you raw. Testicles are a nice thing, but only if they're protected by a scrotum sack that hasn't been worked over by 80-grit sandpaper thighs. Also, duct tape your nipples.
Get your doody sorted. No matter how regular you are, and no matter how hard you try to push it all out the night before, you're going to have to numero dos at 7:55 if your race has an 8:00 start. If 15,000 people are registered to run then 15,089 people are also rethinking last night's dinner and are already in line ahead of you, so plan accordingly. My suggestion is to just eat 9 Imodium A-Ds for brekkie.
Lie about your time. Don't talk to anyone who ran that you don't know. They're invariably going to ask how you did, which sounds innocuous enough, but it really means they're not happy about their time and are hoping to feel better about themselves relative to yours. Oh, she's cute and just being friendly? Well, you'll notice she's not talking to the guy over there who obviously finished 45 minutes ahead of everyone else, is she? You'll also notice you have a slight beer gut with absolutely zero sex appeal. So call her bluff by lying and then thank me later after that look of disappointment flashes across her face once she registers that even a slow, lying slob ran faster than she did.
Don't call me buddy. Or I'll stab you.
That advice was for my little baby boy of a half-marathon friend, but feel free to reference it before your own road race.
Jeju Know?
Never really made a formal announcement on this here blog but I left Seoul a few months ago to while away the days on the Hawaii of Korea, though now that I check the weather report every day I think it's far more accurate to call this place the Korea of Hawaii but only if Hawaii were anything like Korea, which it's not. Then again, I've never been to Hawaii so am not the best person to be hashing out comparisons. Here's a photo I took of Jeju last weekend while standing on Udo:
If you look closely you can see my apartment between the dominant hill in the right foreground and the large one behind it to the left. Those hills are actually called parasitic cones, which I only mention because it sounds like volcanoes practice politics. Please phone ahead if you plan to visit so I can be sure to be home to receive you.
If you look closely you can see my apartment between the dominant hill in the right foreground and the large one behind it to the left. Those hills are actually called parasitic cones, which I only mention because it sounds like volcanoes practice politics. Please phone ahead if you plan to visit so I can be sure to be home to receive you.
Published!
Was a plan of mine to write the great American novel of mediocrity before I turned 35. Well, success:
Entirely plagiarized, of course. No way I could speak authoritatively about either of those subjects.
Entirely plagiarized, of course. No way I could speak authoritatively about either of those subjects.
Rando Thoughts about Bombs and their Aftermath, Aftermath Edition
So wow, that whole Boston thing. I'd initially sat down to watch Fight Club but then got to the final scene and realized I don't actually own that movie, so what the ffffff was I watching? Dead police officer, carjacking, high speed chase, A SHOOTOUT WITH THE POLICE!!!, and then an interminable manhunt. But after 20 hours of peeking into an entire city's collection of bay windows the police finally realized they were looking for a 19-year-old idiot who probably walked around reciting Andy Samberg lyrics and then had their ah-ha moment.
Turns out our little dipshit up there is a Muslim from Chechnya who never actually lived in Chechnya but did emigrate to a country full of American idiots when he was pretty young. I say American idiots because duh, but also because the reaction to his Muslimlyness, heritage, and personal circumstances has been predictably inbred. Evaluation time.
The Check Republic, nya. Three minutes after the bombing suspects were identified and the Czech ambassador had to issue a press release telling the one half of Americans on Twitter that Chechnya and the Czech Republic are two entirely different sandwiches. Not only that, the Czech Republic is an actual country you buy in a deli whereas Chechnya is just some microwaveable hot dog you buy out of the back of somebody's van parked behind a 7-11.
Strip him of his citizenship! Our Czech wanker is a naturalized citizen. Depending on how important the rule of law is to you, that statement can be interpreted as either (1) he followed legal protocol to obtain US citizenship and therefore has all the rights of a natural born citizen minus eligibility to serve as president or vice president; or (2) he wasn't born here so fffffff him. I mean, ja, ffffffff him, certainly; but in the final analysis he is still an American so has the same rights to judge, jury, and due process you're going to expect for yourself when you get busted siphoning gas from your neighbor's car because shit's $20/gallon now and those prices are Obama's fault because he tried investing federal money in green technologies but you and Rush Limbaugh both threw a temper tantrum so fine, let's keep drilling for finite resources instead of harnessing wind and sun for dayyyyyyz.
Oh nevermind, I was talking about parts of the Constitution that aren't the 2nd Amendment, so who gives a shit? Well, that and the 10th, but only along the lines of "the Constitution ain't say nothing 'bout no toilets so that means potty time is a states issue." Other than that I like due process for other people as long as it's "due you speak Guantanomese?"
Terrorists have more rights than American citizens, at least the ones who own guns. Everyone's favorite Czech immigrant was shot on the face, neck, arm, Swatch, leg, and anywhere else he had a body part; so the police, pleasant as they are, took him to a hospital rather than let him bleed to death. They also questioned him for 16 hours before some magistrate kindly interrupted to tell homeboy thanks for singing like Billie Holiday but someone needs to officially remind you that the people who have the Constitutional authority to interpret the Constitution everyone loves so much once decided that fools under arrest must be advised of their Miranda rights. So let's review: a doctor used a state-funded band-aid to stop this clown from bleeding to death, and an agent of the judicial system advised him of the extravagant rights he and anyone else who has the good fortune to come into police custody have but no one else does; namely, to STFU and to have one of the billions of unemployed recent law grads represent him for free. He also has the right to pay for an attorney with an actual job but only if he has enough money. Amurka!
Consider that this whole shit show happened against two important backdrops: a ridiculously amorphous War on Terror that allows besieged Christian types to parrot the religious version of I'm not racist but; and an all out assault on 2nd Amendment rights because some people in the government along with most people not in the government support universal background checks for gun purchases. These two things are the main reason for the AAA-rated dipshittery our southern folk have been using to explain all their hand wringing over the government "coddling" some animal by running him through the judicial system that's probably going to sentence him to death, while the government persecutes its law abiders by asking for 10 minutes in between deciding to buy a gun and actually buying that gun to make sure you've never killed 20 2nd graders. I suppose there's some merit to the point that le bomber received world-class medical care while 50 millionish Americans have never seen a doctor in the wild, but that's an indictment against the healthcare system, not the judicial system, since, you know, the Constitution.
Terrorists need to be treated differently than other criminals. Yeah, you understand he's an American and has rights, but terrorism is like a normal crime x 150000 so gah Bill of Rights and even gah the Geneva Convention because that's for people who kill just the same as anyone else only they wear officially licensed NBA army fatigues. Ignoring the fact that terrorism is really just code for Muslim since no one suggests white guys who open fire on theaters full of people have their citizenship stripped, terrorism is treated differently than other crimes. You know, the part of the penal code where Congress specifically defines terrorism and prescribes judicial comeuppance:
It's almost as if the people who make laws have assumed specific crimes will occur, else why bother detailing the consequences? So yes, terrorism - however you've conveniently defined it today - is horrible, but it's also something that doesn't require an extra-judicial response since, cough cough, our actual judicial system has already anticipated it. Besides, g-d has reserved a special place in hell for people like this dooder, or something, so have a little faith.
Bred for terrorism. The only way to manufacture a jihadist is parturition, durrrr, since obviously our trip dicktastic wannabe jihadists have been prepping their entire lives for this. In the 20-some-odd years since they were bred in the Caucasus specifically for this one blundered episode, their handlers trained them to act as non-discreet as possible; to plan a not escape route; to always have money on hand, say $10 or $20; to stockpile firearms by killing policeman because no one will notice; and to carry out any follow up activities at your leisure since strike while the iron's hot, perhaps after your next psych lecture but before any co-ed intramural soccer matches. Pretty good ROI, no doubt. I think someone already made a movie about this, actually:
And yes, they came under the cover of amnesty to suck on America's teet of public assistance and demonstrated their thanks with a bomb. The entire family's motives are that transparently transparent since it's out of the realm of possibility for some emasculated loser to glom onto a nihilist idea that shifts the burden of personal responsibility from him onto some dipshit jihadist philosophy just as amorphous as a War on Terror, since I'm pretty sure there are embezzlers out there whose parents didn't breed them specifically for embezzlement. It's also out of the question that the father in this scenario applied for asylum because he genuinely needed it since we all understand the Chechen experience in Russia even though we think it's a country next to Germany. That or he just used the asylum process as a way to expedite immigration, which brilliant move, actually. I guess you can legitimately wonder why people in a family who came to the States under asylum so willingly visit the place they've sought asylum from, but that would involve pretending that political situations don't change in 20 years.
Obamar sucks because Russia once said, Hey, about this rando, then everyone just shrugged and went back to their lattes. Funny now that we're supposed to take Russian motives at face value when they call up out of the blue and ask if we want to share intelligence. Also curious about dotted T's and crossed I's for every unemployed douchegab who books a flight to Russia but hey I'll totally sell you this uzi but let me just check really quick to see if you're supposed to be in jail right now NO YOU CAN'T 2ND AMENDMENT YOU STALINIST DICK STOPPER!!!!!
Bet you wish you had a gun, haha to the bwah. During the manhunt people were talking about gun control as if it were an actual thing and you couldn't just go out and get a license to get a gun. "Bet all those people in Watertown wish they had guns now, amirite?" Ignoring the fact many of them probably did have guns, I can only imagine what it was like to have been there myself. You know, grab my Dirty Harry and peek out the window toward the 10,000 heavily armed police surveilling the very window I'm peeking out of while holding a gun.
But otherwise, yes, there are certain situations where those of us without guns will wish we had one. There are also certain situations where most of us will wish we had driven instead of flown on a plane that was going to crash. Or wish we'd brought along goggles on the boat that was going to sink. Or wish we hadn't forgetten our 20 foot rope and grappling hook at home, because sink holes. I also wish the more small children who have shot and killed someone since the Boston Marathon than died in the actual bombings didn't have gun, but that's neither here nor there.
In conclusion. I hate people except the people I don't hate.
Turns out our little dipshit up there is a Muslim from Chechnya who never actually lived in Chechnya but did emigrate to a country full of American idiots when he was pretty young. I say American idiots because duh, but also because the reaction to his Muslimlyness, heritage, and personal circumstances has been predictably inbred. Evaluation time.
The Check Republic, nya. Three minutes after the bombing suspects were identified and the Czech ambassador had to issue a press release telling the one half of Americans on Twitter that Chechnya and the Czech Republic are two entirely different sandwiches. Not only that, the Czech Republic is an actual country you buy in a deli whereas Chechnya is just some microwaveable hot dog you buy out of the back of somebody's van parked behind a 7-11.
Strip him of his citizenship! Our Czech wanker is a naturalized citizen. Depending on how important the rule of law is to you, that statement can be interpreted as either (1) he followed legal protocol to obtain US citizenship and therefore has all the rights of a natural born citizen minus eligibility to serve as president or vice president; or (2) he wasn't born here so fffffff him. I mean, ja, ffffffff him, certainly; but in the final analysis he is still an American so has the same rights to judge, jury, and due process you're going to expect for yourself when you get busted siphoning gas from your neighbor's car because shit's $20/gallon now and those prices are Obama's fault because he tried investing federal money in green technologies but you and Rush Limbaugh both threw a temper tantrum so fine, let's keep drilling for finite resources instead of harnessing wind and sun for dayyyyyyz.
Oh nevermind, I was talking about parts of the Constitution that aren't the 2nd Amendment, so who gives a shit? Well, that and the 10th, but only along the lines of "the Constitution ain't say nothing 'bout no toilets so that means potty time is a states issue." Other than that I like due process for other people as long as it's "due you speak Guantanomese?"
Terrorists have more rights than American citizens, at least the ones who own guns. Everyone's favorite Czech immigrant was shot on the face, neck, arm, Swatch, leg, and anywhere else he had a body part; so the police, pleasant as they are, took him to a hospital rather than let him bleed to death. They also questioned him for 16 hours before some magistrate kindly interrupted to tell homeboy thanks for singing like Billie Holiday but someone needs to officially remind you that the people who have the Constitutional authority to interpret the Constitution everyone loves so much once decided that fools under arrest must be advised of their Miranda rights. So let's review: a doctor used a state-funded band-aid to stop this clown from bleeding to death, and an agent of the judicial system advised him of the extravagant rights he and anyone else who has the good fortune to come into police custody have but no one else does; namely, to STFU and to have one of the billions of unemployed recent law grads represent him for free. He also has the right to pay for an attorney with an actual job but only if he has enough money. Amurka!
Consider that this whole shit show happened against two important backdrops: a ridiculously amorphous War on Terror that allows besieged Christian types to parrot the religious version of I'm not racist but; and an all out assault on 2nd Amendment rights because some people in the government along with most people not in the government support universal background checks for gun purchases. These two things are the main reason for the AAA-rated dipshittery our southern folk have been using to explain all their hand wringing over the government "coddling" some animal by running him through the judicial system that's probably going to sentence him to death, while the government persecutes its law abiders by asking for 10 minutes in between deciding to buy a gun and actually buying that gun to make sure you've never killed 20 2nd graders. I suppose there's some merit to the point that le bomber received world-class medical care while 50 millionish Americans have never seen a doctor in the wild, but that's an indictment against the healthcare system, not the judicial system, since, you know, the Constitution.
Terrorists need to be treated differently than other criminals. Yeah, you understand he's an American and has rights, but terrorism is like a normal crime x 150000 so gah Bill of Rights and even gah the Geneva Convention because that's for people who kill just the same as anyone else only they wear officially licensed NBA army fatigues. Ignoring the fact that terrorism is really just code for Muslim since no one suggests white guys who open fire on theaters full of people have their citizenship stripped, terrorism is treated differently than other crimes. You know, the part of the penal code where Congress specifically defines terrorism and prescribes judicial comeuppance:
-STATUTE-
(a) Offense Against a National of the United States or Within the United States. - A person who, without lawful authority, uses, threatens, or attempts or conspires to use, a weapon of mass destruction -
(1) against a national of the United States while such national is outside of the United States;
(2) against any person or property within the United States, and
(A) the mail or any facility of interstate or foreign commerce is used in furtherance of the offense;
(B) such property is used in interstate or foreign commerce or in an activity that affects interstate or foreign commerce;
(C) any perpetrator travels in or causes another to travel in interstate or foreign commerce in furtherance of the offense; or
(D) the offense, or the results of the offense, affect interstate or foreign commerce, or, in the case of a threat, attempt, or
conspiracy, would have affected interstate or foreign commerce;
(3) against any property that is owned, leased or used by the United States or by any department or agency of the United
States, whether the property is within or outside of the United States; or
(4) against any property within the United States that is owned, leased, or used by a foreign government, shall be imprisoned
for any term of years or for life, and if death results, shall be punished by death or imprisoned for any term of years or for life.
(b) Offense by National of the United States Outside of the United States. - Any national of the United States who, without lawful authority, uses, or threatens, attempts, or conspires to use, a weapon of mass destruction outside of the United States shall be imprisoned for any term of years or for life, and if death results, shall be punished by death, or by imprisonment for any term of years or for life.
It's almost as if the people who make laws have assumed specific crimes will occur, else why bother detailing the consequences? So yes, terrorism - however you've conveniently defined it today - is horrible, but it's also something that doesn't require an extra-judicial response since, cough cough, our actual judicial system has already anticipated it. Besides, g-d has reserved a special place in hell for people like this dooder, or something, so have a little faith.
Bred for terrorism. The only way to manufacture a jihadist is parturition, durrrr, since obviously our trip dicktastic wannabe jihadists have been prepping their entire lives for this. In the 20-some-odd years since they were bred in the Caucasus specifically for this one blundered episode, their handlers trained them to act as non-discreet as possible; to plan a not escape route; to always have money on hand, say $10 or $20; to stockpile firearms by killing policeman because no one will notice; and to carry out any follow up activities at your leisure since strike while the iron's hot, perhaps after your next psych lecture but before any co-ed intramural soccer matches. Pretty good ROI, no doubt. I think someone already made a movie about this, actually:
And yes, they came under the cover of amnesty to suck on America's teet of public assistance and demonstrated their thanks with a bomb. The entire family's motives are that transparently transparent since it's out of the realm of possibility for some emasculated loser to glom onto a nihilist idea that shifts the burden of personal responsibility from him onto some dipshit jihadist philosophy just as amorphous as a War on Terror, since I'm pretty sure there are embezzlers out there whose parents didn't breed them specifically for embezzlement. It's also out of the question that the father in this scenario applied for asylum because he genuinely needed it since we all understand the Chechen experience in Russia even though we think it's a country next to Germany. That or he just used the asylum process as a way to expedite immigration, which brilliant move, actually. I guess you can legitimately wonder why people in a family who came to the States under asylum so willingly visit the place they've sought asylum from, but that would involve pretending that political situations don't change in 20 years.
Obamar sucks because Russia once said, Hey, about this rando, then everyone just shrugged and went back to their lattes. Funny now that we're supposed to take Russian motives at face value when they call up out of the blue and ask if we want to share intelligence. Also curious about dotted T's and crossed I's for every unemployed douchegab who books a flight to Russia but hey I'll totally sell you this uzi but let me just check really quick to see if you're supposed to be in jail right now NO YOU CAN'T 2ND AMENDMENT YOU STALINIST DICK STOPPER!!!!!
Bet you wish you had a gun, haha to the bwah. During the manhunt people were talking about gun control as if it were an actual thing and you couldn't just go out and get a license to get a gun. "Bet all those people in Watertown wish they had guns now, amirite?" Ignoring the fact many of them probably did have guns, I can only imagine what it was like to have been there myself. You know, grab my Dirty Harry and peek out the window toward the 10,000 heavily armed police surveilling the very window I'm peeking out of while holding a gun.
But otherwise, yes, there are certain situations where those of us without guns will wish we had one. There are also certain situations where most of us will wish we had driven instead of flown on a plane that was going to crash. Or wish we'd brought along goggles on the boat that was going to sink. Or wish we hadn't forgetten our 20 foot rope and grappling hook at home, because sink holes. I also wish the more small children who have shot and killed someone since the Boston Marathon than died in the actual bombings didn't have gun, but that's neither here nor there.
In conclusion. I hate people except the people I don't hate.
Rando Thoughts about Bombs and their Aftermath, Boston Edition
So that bomb happened in Boston Sunday afternoon. I'd meant to have the only two thoughts everyone else in the world should have had - "That's horrible" and "I hope justice is done" - but then all the usual stupidity forced its way to the front row so then I had a million other thoughts in response.
The Boston Marathon is a race so let's do racial profiling. The very first person of interest either questioned or escorted to the hospital or had his apartment ransacked for no good reason was a Saudi national who came to the police's attention only because he was tackled by some rando who saw a brown man running away from an explosion and decided he looked suspicious because he was a brown man running away from an explosion. You may think this bit of racial profiling is not only a grave injustice but also a waste of investigative resources, but I say it's perfectly fine. The FBI and whoever else is investigating this shit storm is part of the security apparatus, and things like sequesters and shitty economies might mean cuts to education, community mental health, and other public services, but definitely not to the security apparatus, so they have more than enough resources to harass anyone who arouses suspicion for nothing other than being the demo in a demographic. So while our hero in Boston was tackling that Saudi who obviously did it, I was two blocks away tackling some ferret-headed, pouty-looking white dude who didn't have a mullet, per se, but he definitely needed a trim.
That poor Saudi. Even though it turned out he's a student and here on a student visa, he's obviously going to overstay it and steal all the good jobs from the Mexicans. The problem with immigrants like him is that they don't learn English and maintain their customs from the old country. If they want to be American then they should learn English and do things Americans do like go watch the Boston Marathon and look suspicious so the next American hero has a face to shove into the blacktop the next time an entirely different person sets off a bomb.
That dipshit Saudi's brother. I'd feel stupid if I were the dude who tackled that Saudi because durrrr, his brother was the more likely suspect. He was in an entirely different city all day, sure, but what possible reason could he have for being related to his brother other than he planted the bomb? Good thing the po po was on it and went through his underwear drawer. They wouldn't have left his apartment empty handed otherwise.
The media should shut the ffffffff up about everything except everything the public needs to know. The day of the attack there were two bomb explosions and up to six undetonated devices the police had either disarmed or destroyed in controlled detonations as well as a fire in the Boston Public Library related to the explosions. The next day there were two bomb explosions and zero undetonated devices as well as a fire in the Boston Public Library completely unrelated to the explosions. Yesterday the FBI arrested a bomber who wasn't our same Saudi guy as before and the world was so hooray but then an hour later no one was arrested because the FBI made an illegal U-turn and dropped the suspect off at the corner they found him.
I'm sort of in a hard spot here right now because I use the internet and the magic of editing to pretend I'm smart in real time, but I just can't figure out how the essential facts of a story can shift so quickly, and I'm embarrassed to ask for help explaining why. Like, where did those six undetonated bombs go? You think someone's saving them for next year? And what if someone gives them to the guy who was arrested but then wasn't? I'm scared he's going to start a third fire in the Boston Public Library, though I wouldn't mind if he used one of them to blow up Wolf Blitzer's head.
If we let the gays get married then how long before gun owners marry their guns? Every time some pasty malcontent shoots a bunch of 10-year-olds who would still be alive if they didn't leave their extra clips at home, all the gun owners of the world are quick to say every gun owner but just that one is god fearing, law abiding, and spends every spare moment in gun safety class, so don't punish the rest of us with your knee jerk urge to regulate. Wonder what a Venn diagram comparing them to people who hold all 1.6 billion Muslims responsible for a pipe bomb just went off oh you mean it was just a car backfiring? would look like. Hold on, let me draw one:
Let's ban pressure cookers, hardy har har. Since people want to regulate guns after yet another person plays real life Duck Hunt with humans who used to be alive, then it's only logical that we also ban pressure cookers since those kill as well. True, which is why I'll be the first to register my rice cooker with the Department of Homeland Security as soon as someone teaches me how to cook ratatouille with a 12 gauge.
Terrorism with a capital T! How about durrrrrr with a capital D? During his initial remarks about the bombing Obamar forgot to say the actual word "terrorism" and all the mouth breathers freaked the fffff out, and rightfully so. Had he done his presidential duty by slowly enunciating TER-ROR-IS-UM it would have transformed the bombings from a horrific, gruesome, and evil act of cowardice into a horrific, gruesome, and evil act of cowardice. Funny since I don't need no gubmit telling me how to live my life though I do need it to clarify for me whether an act of terrorism was an act of terrorism or just a regular Sunday afternoon in Boston.
Obamar making this tragedy about him. I'm pissed he didn't capitalize "terrorism" but why can't he just let all of Boston grieve into their cup of sad coffees by themselves? Now he's going to visit some memorial service with his entourage of teleprompters just so he can look like a sad puppy on global TV. If he doesn't go I'll be pissed that he's harboring his childhood Islamic friends who planted the bomb because fffffff him either way.
Raining on your parade of feel oh so good. Supposedly a bunch of marathoners ran right through the finish line and to the hospital to donate blood cough cough bullshit. People are already wonderful and nice as is, even if they own guns. I'm sure there were people who'd finished the run much earlier who donated, or at least tried to, but we don't need to make shit up even though that's basically the media's job. Let's roll!
I'm now going to go check all the news but CNN to see if they found the perp. Fffffffff me running if it turns that Saudi did it.
The Boston Marathon is a race so let's do racial profiling. The very first person of interest either questioned or escorted to the hospital or had his apartment ransacked for no good reason was a Saudi national who came to the police's attention only because he was tackled by some rando who saw a brown man running away from an explosion and decided he looked suspicious because he was a brown man running away from an explosion. You may think this bit of racial profiling is not only a grave injustice but also a waste of investigative resources, but I say it's perfectly fine. The FBI and whoever else is investigating this shit storm is part of the security apparatus, and things like sequesters and shitty economies might mean cuts to education, community mental health, and other public services, but definitely not to the security apparatus, so they have more than enough resources to harass anyone who arouses suspicion for nothing other than being the demo in a demographic. So while our hero in Boston was tackling that Saudi who obviously did it, I was two blocks away tackling some ferret-headed, pouty-looking white dude who didn't have a mullet, per se, but he definitely needed a trim.
That poor Saudi. Even though it turned out he's a student and here on a student visa, he's obviously going to overstay it and steal all the good jobs from the Mexicans. The problem with immigrants like him is that they don't learn English and maintain their customs from the old country. If they want to be American then they should learn English and do things Americans do like go watch the Boston Marathon and look suspicious so the next American hero has a face to shove into the blacktop the next time an entirely different person sets off a bomb.
That dipshit Saudi's brother. I'd feel stupid if I were the dude who tackled that Saudi because durrrr, his brother was the more likely suspect. He was in an entirely different city all day, sure, but what possible reason could he have for being related to his brother other than he planted the bomb? Good thing the po po was on it and went through his underwear drawer. They wouldn't have left his apartment empty handed otherwise.
The media should shut the ffffffff up about everything except everything the public needs to know. The day of the attack there were two bomb explosions and up to six undetonated devices the police had either disarmed or destroyed in controlled detonations as well as a fire in the Boston Public Library related to the explosions. The next day there were two bomb explosions and zero undetonated devices as well as a fire in the Boston Public Library completely unrelated to the explosions. Yesterday the FBI arrested a bomber who wasn't our same Saudi guy as before and the world was so hooray but then an hour later no one was arrested because the FBI made an illegal U-turn and dropped the suspect off at the corner they found him.
I'm sort of in a hard spot here right now because I use the internet and the magic of editing to pretend I'm smart in real time, but I just can't figure out how the essential facts of a story can shift so quickly, and I'm embarrassed to ask for help explaining why. Like, where did those six undetonated bombs go? You think someone's saving them for next year? And what if someone gives them to the guy who was arrested but then wasn't? I'm scared he's going to start a third fire in the Boston Public Library, though I wouldn't mind if he used one of them to blow up Wolf Blitzer's head.
If we let the gays get married then how long before gun owners marry their guns? Every time some pasty malcontent shoots a bunch of 10-year-olds who would still be alive if they didn't leave their extra clips at home, all the gun owners of the world are quick to say every gun owner but just that one is god fearing, law abiding, and spends every spare moment in gun safety class, so don't punish the rest of us with your knee jerk urge to regulate. Wonder what a Venn diagram comparing them to people who hold all 1.6 billion Muslims responsible for a pipe bomb just went off oh you mean it was just a car backfiring? would look like. Hold on, let me draw one:
Let's ban pressure cookers, hardy har har. Since people want to regulate guns after yet another person plays real life Duck Hunt with humans who used to be alive, then it's only logical that we also ban pressure cookers since those kill as well. True, which is why I'll be the first to register my rice cooker with the Department of Homeland Security as soon as someone teaches me how to cook ratatouille with a 12 gauge.
Terrorism with a capital T! How about durrrrrr with a capital D? During his initial remarks about the bombing Obamar forgot to say the actual word "terrorism" and all the mouth breathers freaked the fffff out, and rightfully so. Had he done his presidential duty by slowly enunciating TER-ROR-IS-UM it would have transformed the bombings from a horrific, gruesome, and evil act of cowardice into a horrific, gruesome, and evil act of cowardice. Funny since I don't need no gubmit telling me how to live my life though I do need it to clarify for me whether an act of terrorism was an act of terrorism or just a regular Sunday afternoon in Boston.
Obamar making this tragedy about him. I'm pissed he didn't capitalize "terrorism" but why can't he just let all of Boston grieve into their cup of sad coffees by themselves? Now he's going to visit some memorial service with his entourage of teleprompters just so he can look like a sad puppy on global TV. If he doesn't go I'll be pissed that he's harboring his childhood Islamic friends who planted the bomb because fffffff him either way.
Raining on your parade of feel oh so good. Supposedly a bunch of marathoners ran right through the finish line and to the hospital to donate blood cough cough bullshit. People are already wonderful and nice as is, even if they own guns. I'm sure there were people who'd finished the run much earlier who donated, or at least tried to, but we don't need to make shit up even though that's basically the media's job. Let's roll!
I'm now going to go check all the news but CNN to see if they found the perp. Fffffffff me running if it turns that Saudi did it.
215% Comprehensive Primer on All Things Homo and Some Things Hetero and a Little Bit Married
The US Supreme Court considered the gay marriage debate last week. I suppose it'd be more precise to say they heard separate cases involving the constitutionality of California's Prop 8 and the Federal Government's Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), and since this blog is thought of as one of the more cerebral in all the internets (Srsly!) I should probably take this time to examine the merits of each case as it relates to the US Constitution, but the justices don't really give a shit, so neither do I. If they did give a shit they'd give both sides of an argument equal consideration before following the more compelling of them toward a legal decision that might contrast with their political and personal beliefs. But since they're all partisan hacks only willing to affirm the decisions they've already made beforehand, they waste everyone's time during oral arguments either nodding in vociferous agreement when their side has the floor and making jerk-off hand motions when they don't. How else to explain the liberal justices' particular and coincidental fascination with the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment and the conservative justices' particular and coincidental fascination with being assholes?
There are actually two very distinct aspects to the debate over gay marriage: the one the Supreme Court is presently occupied with, supposedly, has to do with ethereal ideas about the process of law within a constitutional framework; while the part the rest of us are concerned with has to do with calling each other stupid motherfkkkkkkkkkrs. To help you decide which side of the debate is more stupid, which side is more mother, and which side is all fkkkkkkkkkr, I've put together this handy guide to assist you in coming to your own objective opinion about what's what.
First, an examination of arguments put forth by advocates of traditional marriage. If you're not sure what an "advocate of traditional marriage" is you can just use "bigot" instead.
If the gays get to marry then the pedos, animal humpers, Mormons, and everyone else will demand their own marriage rights. The best part about the slippery slope argument is context:
If you've never masturbated, pierced anything, drank a beer, skipped Sunday service, had the hiccups, wore shorts, or played a musical instrument, then by all means cast the first stone. Otherwise, this argument is stupid for a million other reasons. I suppose it makes sense if you equate the gayness with animal sodomy, but two ladies consenting to play out their biological urges with each other is slightly different than stalking a deer for six miles while holding on to your phallic...oh wait, that's hunting. Similar but not quite the same.
But it's perfectly valid to consider the deleterious effects a policy could possibly have on society if enacted. So let's consider what happens if 2-3% of the population gets to marry each other instead of remaining boyfriend and boyfriend:
And then what happens if we bring back polygamy:
Not to mention polygamy promotes classism and sexism, which is entirely different than what we already have, so why not? As for the others: bestiality isn't going to work because society needs to protect itself from even crazier cat ladies then it already has; and incest results in the sort of intellectual champions who think the gays shouldn't be allowed to marry. There's also that part about nice, supportive households becoming MMA octagons as brothers-turned-rivals fight each other and their dad for sisty's affections. We can ski this slope even further down ad absurdum by mentioning the inevitable argument about marrying a robot, but by the time that conversation gets anywhere it will be moot because the robots will be our overlords and are going to be discussing amongst themselves the moral permissiveness of marrying your human, so let them figure it out since they have algorithms and whatnot.
What will I tell my kids? Marrying your gerbil is going down the north face of Mt. Slippery. Wondering what you'll tell your children is running a black diamond down its south face. Man, I don't know what you should tell your kids. Probably the same thing you told them when they first noticed not everyone's eyes were as cockeyed as mom and dad's. Or just tell them the gays and all their hetero enablers are going to burn in hell before watching Left Behind together for smug reassurances that you're right and everyone else is wrong. My final suggestion is to watch Louis C.K. at the Fun Factory.
Recognizing same-sex marriage violates my religious liberty. This is the most effective of counter arguments since it asks us to weigh the rights of one group against the rights of another. In this case, we have a couple swinging Ds (by D I mean "discriminated against") over here asking for full participation in civic life, while over there some faux-Anabaptists are insisting on full license to impose their theology on people who could give two shits what some Spaghetti Monster has to say about boys and boys, girls and girls. Push, I say, so we should look at it another way; namely, which group stands to lose rights if the gays also get to pretend marriage is a lifetime commitment. The homos won't lose any since they'll still be allowed to clap bums, go to Broadway musicals, and walk their poodles together. The Jeebus-fearing unhomos, on the other hand, will surrender their right to enslave Africans, steal Native American land, burn heretics, and hold inquisitions. It's patently unfair to modern Christians if their rights become restricted to the open practice of their faith without fear of legal repercussion since, I don't know, G-d's most famous short story, the Constitution of the United States, has a character called the 1st Amendment, which means Muslims are also free to feel Muslimy about gay marriage, they just don't get to shit all over everyone else for not believing the same thing as they do.
Homosexuality is against natural law. Or as I like to call natural law: mistaking cultural assumptions for objective truth.
The gays are trying to change the definition of marriage. I am very sympathetic to this argument because word choice and accuracy in meaning is supposedly - I mean, especially - important to me since I teach university-level English. Nearly all of us have gone through life thinking of marriage as the formal union of two people sanctioned by a church, the state, or both; but imagine waking one day to find out marriage really means to sit astride an animal or vehicle as it travels from one place to the next. Going to be awhile before I can say stuff like "I'm riding my girlfriend tonight" or "dad rode mom 30 years ago today" with a straight face.
I'm also not sure if expanding access to a social institution constitutes redefinition. Unless, of course, you think voting became something entirely different once we let our womenfolk join in on all the fun of not actually going to the polling station on election day.
Marriage has always been between one man and one, two, or even seven different women. This objection to that argument is trotted out all the time, but it bears repeating since a man today who wants to get married generally has to give one of these to his special lady...
...because he no longer has to give her father 10 of these:
Also, I've personally never met anyone who had to kill someone in battle before he was eligible to marry, but perhaps you have.
Selective parsing of studies that weren't peer-reviewed only because libruls in academia have stifled free inquiry have proven every single child requires a mother and a father and nothing else. Biologically, yes; sociologically, probably not since this argument presumes only a man and a woman can form a perfectly complementary pair capable of raising a well-adjusted child, which in turn presumes things like stay-at-home dads don't exist because only a mother can fill the nurturing role nature intended for her. Why else you think Jesus invented dresses? This argument also presumes a couple heteros form even a mildly complementary pair just because they have one set of P&V between them. Take my homegirl and me, for example: were we perfectly complementary we could to go to Paris and she would speak French for both of us since I can't speak it at all. But unfortunately she doesn't, which means we shouldn't have a child together. But were I to go with my boyfriend he would speak French because all the gays have at least a passing familiarity with the français, so after three crepes and two bottles of wine it would become a moral imperative for us to fly home and adopt 17 children, at the very least.
A mother and a father is also selective cultural preening, or at least that's what my Japanese grandma would tell me if I were Japanese. My Caribbean auntie would flat out slap for my insinuating it was just me, ma, and pa against the world. But fffff them because one man, one woman. Also, I'm not Caribbean.
Marriage is a private arrangement between two people and maybe even their G-d that the government has no right to regulate. Which is why all those traditional marriage advigots have willingly abnegated the legal benefits afforded them through marriage. That and they never claim any tax deductions for their children.
The state only recognizes hetero marriage because it serves the interests of the state AKA produces small humans that will one day turn into soldiers and a viable workforce. That makes sense since the gays can't reproduce within the confines of a marriage aside from surrogates and petri dishes. Also, I think foster children should stay in foster care forever.
Why do the gays care so much if they can just have civil unions instead? Marriage is just a word. Then why do you care so much? Probably because it's not just a word; it's a cultural institution nearly all young people assume they'll participate and the culmination of all those feelings expressed in poetry, song, and cinema that, curiously, the gays also read, watch, and listen to. If you ever take a smoke break from being an ignorant bigot then you should use that time to question all those adolescent moments you spent daydreaming about your wedding dress and afterward try to wrap your head around some gay dude yearning for his own Prince Winsome. Then you can explain to the rest of us why you can't just have your own civil union and Saint Fu about other people getting married, because it's just a word.
Civil unions are fine but marriage has religious connotations. A slight variation of the previous argument but worthy of its own response since this guy exists:
Nice shoes, homeboy. And you've never touched a woman? Sounds either gay or neurotic to me. Since I don't have issues with the gaydom but do have them with neuroticism, I think I'll seek religious opinions about marriage elsewhere, like a church where people practice religion:
Marriage predates government so government shouldn't get to decide what marriage is. Because communal authorities never regulated norms and customs before the modern nation-state came into being.
The gays have the same marriage rights as straight people since they're free to marry someone of the opposite sex like the rest of us. They can also ride the same buses as we do but they have to sit in the very back.
If you put 100 dudes on a desert island they can't reproduce. Whole lot of durrrrr with this one. It's especially compelling because extremely far-fetched scenarios should influence social policy. Not that I mind, since if you drop a bomb on a small Iraqi village of 100 people they won't be able to reproduce either, so obvs we should ban warfare. But whatever, since we're using make believe to advance our arguments, I instead propose we populate this desert island of ours with 99 dudes and 1 lady, in which case 1 guy wins the I'ma hit that azzz lottery and the rest have to sit around waiting for the ensuing offspring to sexually mature. In the meantime they'll probably all get bored and start riding each other's butts around the island looking for coconut crabs.
Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Can't argue against this one. G-d started the whole show with a man and a lady and clearly meant it as a model for the rest of us to follow. Then those two had kids and those kids started humping each other and then made kids of their own who started humping each other until voila, there finally came a time when we didn't have to hump our brother or sister anymore but we still did because G-d made Adam and Eve and incest, not Adam and Steve.
Gay marriage is a threat to civilization. Because we say so, basically.
____________________
Now we will explore arguments for gay-on-gay marriage.
Civil rights. You know, the right to fully engage in civic life with equal protection under the law. I know a lot of put out, middle class white folk will complain about "special rights" because laws had to be written to keep them from doodying all over people who think, act, and look differently than them, but really, the sum total of those special rights is to not get doodied on by white folk, so find something else to blame your sad life on.
And oh shit, I said civil rights, which means some black pastor from deep-as-balls Dixie is going to write a Swiss cheese missive about the gay civil rights movement having absolutely zero equivalency to the black civil rights movement since one is a visible minority while the other has to live their lives among starched shirts, winter coats, and whatever else you keep in your closet. I actually find this perspective encouraging since it means blacks have achieved nearly full equality with whites now that they too are rationalizing institutional discrimination as a protection of their own rights and not as the form of dickery it really is.
Fffffff the federal government. Arguing against gay marriage is generally the domain of insane right-wing conservatives who also believe government is evil but curiously refuse to move to places no government exists. If you want to shrink government then you have to reduce tax revenue, and if you want to reduce tax revenue you have to let the gays get married so they can take advantage of all those tax exemptions for the marrieds.
Showering at the gym with the gays. I know it's a problem sharing a locker room with one of the gays because if he sees your junk he's going to throw a bar of Irish Spring at your feet, but if he's in a legally-recognized marriage he probably won't because divorces are just too messy.
The gays are going to swim in a lake of fire for much longer than it takes them to fully combust. So give them four fucking minutes of peace and tranquility.
G-d invented rainbows. Clearly homeboy is an ally.
Basic human decency. Because srsly.
____________________
So those are all the arguments for and against marriage equality. I hope you take each of them into equal consideration when examining your conscience about which are more compelling. Obviously you will end up supporting gay marriage since I said conscience, and people with one of those tend not to be horse-faced bigots who care deeply about their own civil rights but will make sure you don't get to enjoy yours.
There are actually two very distinct aspects to the debate over gay marriage: the one the Supreme Court is presently occupied with, supposedly, has to do with ethereal ideas about the process of law within a constitutional framework; while the part the rest of us are concerned with has to do with calling each other stupid motherfkkkkkkkkkrs. To help you decide which side of the debate is more stupid, which side is more mother, and which side is all fkkkkkkkkkr, I've put together this handy guide to assist you in coming to your own objective opinion about what's what.
First, an examination of arguments put forth by advocates of traditional marriage. If you're not sure what an "advocate of traditional marriage" is you can just use "bigot" instead.
If the gays get to marry then the pedos, animal humpers, Mormons, and everyone else will demand their own marriage rights. The best part about the slippery slope argument is context:
If you've never masturbated, pierced anything, drank a beer, skipped Sunday service, had the hiccups, wore shorts, or played a musical instrument, then by all means cast the first stone. Otherwise, this argument is stupid for a million other reasons. I suppose it makes sense if you equate the gayness with animal sodomy, but two ladies consenting to play out their biological urges with each other is slightly different than stalking a deer for six miles while holding on to your phallic...oh wait, that's hunting. Similar but not quite the same.
But it's perfectly valid to consider the deleterious effects a policy could possibly have on society if enacted. So let's consider what happens if 2-3% of the population gets to marry each other instead of remaining boyfriend and boyfriend:
And then what happens if we bring back polygamy:
Not to mention polygamy promotes classism and sexism, which is entirely different than what we already have, so why not? As for the others: bestiality isn't going to work because society needs to protect itself from even crazier cat ladies then it already has; and incest results in the sort of intellectual champions who think the gays shouldn't be allowed to marry. There's also that part about nice, supportive households becoming MMA octagons as brothers-turned-rivals fight each other and their dad for sisty's affections. We can ski this slope even further down ad absurdum by mentioning the inevitable argument about marrying a robot, but by the time that conversation gets anywhere it will be moot because the robots will be our overlords and are going to be discussing amongst themselves the moral permissiveness of marrying your human, so let them figure it out since they have algorithms and whatnot.
What will I tell my kids? Marrying your gerbil is going down the north face of Mt. Slippery. Wondering what you'll tell your children is running a black diamond down its south face. Man, I don't know what you should tell your kids. Probably the same thing you told them when they first noticed not everyone's eyes were as cockeyed as mom and dad's. Or just tell them the gays and all their hetero enablers are going to burn in hell before watching Left Behind together for smug reassurances that you're right and everyone else is wrong. My final suggestion is to watch Louis C.K. at the Fun Factory.
Recognizing same-sex marriage violates my religious liberty. This is the most effective of counter arguments since it asks us to weigh the rights of one group against the rights of another. In this case, we have a couple swinging Ds (by D I mean "discriminated against") over here asking for full participation in civic life, while over there some faux-Anabaptists are insisting on full license to impose their theology on people who could give two shits what some Spaghetti Monster has to say about boys and boys, girls and girls. Push, I say, so we should look at it another way; namely, which group stands to lose rights if the gays also get to pretend marriage is a lifetime commitment. The homos won't lose any since they'll still be allowed to clap bums, go to Broadway musicals, and walk their poodles together. The Jeebus-fearing unhomos, on the other hand, will surrender their right to enslave Africans, steal Native American land, burn heretics, and hold inquisitions. It's patently unfair to modern Christians if their rights become restricted to the open practice of their faith without fear of legal repercussion since, I don't know, G-d's most famous short story, the Constitution of the United States, has a character called the 1st Amendment, which means Muslims are also free to feel Muslimy about gay marriage, they just don't get to shit all over everyone else for not believing the same thing as they do.
Homosexuality is against natural law. Or as I like to call natural law: mistaking cultural assumptions for objective truth.
The gays are trying to change the definition of marriage. I am very sympathetic to this argument because word choice and accuracy in meaning is supposedly - I mean, especially - important to me since I teach university-level English. Nearly all of us have gone through life thinking of marriage as the formal union of two people sanctioned by a church, the state, or both; but imagine waking one day to find out marriage really means to sit astride an animal or vehicle as it travels from one place to the next. Going to be awhile before I can say stuff like "I'm riding my girlfriend tonight" or "dad rode mom 30 years ago today" with a straight face.
I'm also not sure if expanding access to a social institution constitutes redefinition. Unless, of course, you think voting became something entirely different once we let our womenfolk join in on all the fun of not actually going to the polling station on election day.
Marriage has always been between one man and one, two, or even seven different women. This objection to that argument is trotted out all the time, but it bears repeating since a man today who wants to get married generally has to give one of these to his special lady...
...because he no longer has to give her father 10 of these:
Also, I've personally never met anyone who had to kill someone in battle before he was eligible to marry, but perhaps you have.
Selective parsing of studies that weren't peer-reviewed only because libruls in academia have stifled free inquiry have proven every single child requires a mother and a father and nothing else. Biologically, yes; sociologically, probably not since this argument presumes only a man and a woman can form a perfectly complementary pair capable of raising a well-adjusted child, which in turn presumes things like stay-at-home dads don't exist because only a mother can fill the nurturing role nature intended for her. Why else you think Jesus invented dresses? This argument also presumes a couple heteros form even a mildly complementary pair just because they have one set of P&V between them. Take my homegirl and me, for example: were we perfectly complementary we could to go to Paris and she would speak French for both of us since I can't speak it at all. But unfortunately she doesn't, which means we shouldn't have a child together. But were I to go with my boyfriend he would speak French because all the gays have at least a passing familiarity with the français, so after three crepes and two bottles of wine it would become a moral imperative for us to fly home and adopt 17 children, at the very least.
A mother and a father is also selective cultural preening, or at least that's what my Japanese grandma would tell me if I were Japanese. My Caribbean auntie would flat out slap for my insinuating it was just me, ma, and pa against the world. But fffff them because one man, one woman. Also, I'm not Caribbean.
Marriage is a private arrangement between two people and maybe even their G-d that the government has no right to regulate. Which is why all those traditional marriage advigots have willingly abnegated the legal benefits afforded them through marriage. That and they never claim any tax deductions for their children.
The state only recognizes hetero marriage because it serves the interests of the state AKA produces small humans that will one day turn into soldiers and a viable workforce. That makes sense since the gays can't reproduce within the confines of a marriage aside from surrogates and petri dishes. Also, I think foster children should stay in foster care forever.
Why do the gays care so much if they can just have civil unions instead? Marriage is just a word. Then why do you care so much? Probably because it's not just a word; it's a cultural institution nearly all young people assume they'll participate and the culmination of all those feelings expressed in poetry, song, and cinema that, curiously, the gays also read, watch, and listen to. If you ever take a smoke break from being an ignorant bigot then you should use that time to question all those adolescent moments you spent daydreaming about your wedding dress and afterward try to wrap your head around some gay dude yearning for his own Prince Winsome. Then you can explain to the rest of us why you can't just have your own civil union and Saint Fu about other people getting married, because it's just a word.
Civil unions are fine but marriage has religious connotations. A slight variation of the previous argument but worthy of its own response since this guy exists:
Nice shoes, homeboy. And you've never touched a woman? Sounds either gay or neurotic to me. Since I don't have issues with the gaydom but do have them with neuroticism, I think I'll seek religious opinions about marriage elsewhere, like a church where people practice religion:
Marriage predates government so government shouldn't get to decide what marriage is. Because communal authorities never regulated norms and customs before the modern nation-state came into being.
The gays have the same marriage rights as straight people since they're free to marry someone of the opposite sex like the rest of us. They can also ride the same buses as we do but they have to sit in the very back.
If you put 100 dudes on a desert island they can't reproduce. Whole lot of durrrrr with this one. It's especially compelling because extremely far-fetched scenarios should influence social policy. Not that I mind, since if you drop a bomb on a small Iraqi village of 100 people they won't be able to reproduce either, so obvs we should ban warfare. But whatever, since we're using make believe to advance our arguments, I instead propose we populate this desert island of ours with 99 dudes and 1 lady, in which case 1 guy wins the I'ma hit that azzz lottery and the rest have to sit around waiting for the ensuing offspring to sexually mature. In the meantime they'll probably all get bored and start riding each other's butts around the island looking for coconut crabs.
Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Can't argue against this one. G-d started the whole show with a man and a lady and clearly meant it as a model for the rest of us to follow. Then those two had kids and those kids started humping each other and then made kids of their own who started humping each other until voila, there finally came a time when we didn't have to hump our brother or sister anymore but we still did because G-d made Adam and Eve and incest, not Adam and Steve.
Gay marriage is a threat to civilization. Because we say so, basically.
____________________
Now we will explore arguments for gay-on-gay marriage.
Civil rights. You know, the right to fully engage in civic life with equal protection under the law. I know a lot of put out, middle class white folk will complain about "special rights" because laws had to be written to keep them from doodying all over people who think, act, and look differently than them, but really, the sum total of those special rights is to not get doodied on by white folk, so find something else to blame your sad life on.
And oh shit, I said civil rights, which means some black pastor from deep-as-balls Dixie is going to write a Swiss cheese missive about the gay civil rights movement having absolutely zero equivalency to the black civil rights movement since one is a visible minority while the other has to live their lives among starched shirts, winter coats, and whatever else you keep in your closet. I actually find this perspective encouraging since it means blacks have achieved nearly full equality with whites now that they too are rationalizing institutional discrimination as a protection of their own rights and not as the form of dickery it really is.
Fffffff the federal government. Arguing against gay marriage is generally the domain of insane right-wing conservatives who also believe government is evil but curiously refuse to move to places no government exists. If you want to shrink government then you have to reduce tax revenue, and if you want to reduce tax revenue you have to let the gays get married so they can take advantage of all those tax exemptions for the marrieds.
Showering at the gym with the gays. I know it's a problem sharing a locker room with one of the gays because if he sees your junk he's going to throw a bar of Irish Spring at your feet, but if he's in a legally-recognized marriage he probably won't because divorces are just too messy.
The gays are going to swim in a lake of fire for much longer than it takes them to fully combust. So give them four fucking minutes of peace and tranquility.
G-d invented rainbows. Clearly homeboy is an ally.
Basic human decency. Because srsly.
____________________
So those are all the arguments for and against marriage equality. I hope you take each of them into equal consideration when examining your conscience about which are more compelling. Obviously you will end up supporting gay marriage since I said conscience, and people with one of those tend not to be horse-faced bigots who care deeply about their own civil rights but will make sure you don't get to enjoy yours.
Basketblog
Michigan plays for the national championship either tomorrow morning or tonight depending if you live where Asians originated or where they migrated to that one time Beringia was a place.
Quite the ascent since it was only four short years ago I was happy enough that they barely qualified for the tournament in the first place considering they hadn't made it the 10 years prior. It was another 10 years before that that they made it this deep into the tourney and another 4 since they actually won the last game. Not that you care, but I do, and it's my blog. Thanks for reading!
My slight dilemma for le big game is that I entered my first NCAA tourney pool in like 100 years. Turns out I'll win it if Louisville wins AKA Michigan loses. So woooohoooo if my team is national champions but oh hey, I have an extra $300 if they aren't.
Update: Tears of unfathomable sadness. Perhaps next year, or within the next 10 years, or sometime before I die.
Quite the ascent since it was only four short years ago I was happy enough that they barely qualified for the tournament in the first place considering they hadn't made it the 10 years prior. It was another 10 years before that that they made it this deep into the tourney and another 4 since they actually won the last game. Not that you care, but I do, and it's my blog. Thanks for reading!
My slight dilemma for le big game is that I entered my first NCAA tourney pool in like 100 years. Turns out I'll win it if Louisville wins AKA Michigan loses. So woooohoooo if my team is national champions but oh hey, I have an extra $300 if they aren't.
Update: Tears of unfathomable sadness. Perhaps next year, or within the next 10 years, or sometime before I die.
Tips for Traveling Af-ree-ka
I have spent exactly 6.2% of my life in Africa and you've spent 0, so figured I should put together a tutorial to help you navigate the great continent once you finally find the balls to defend yourself against all those child soldiers Invisible Children is always going on about. Here is an absolutely comprehensive list of all the things you should know before going.
Tip: Eating
There are no grocery stores or restaurants in Africa so you must buy all your food beforehand. That or hunt. I recommend hunting.
Tip: Driving
In many parts of Africa you must drive on the left side of the road. Although this is generally very easy to adapt to, you still have to guard against old habits such as leisurely right turns or making left turns into the right lane since oncoming traffic doesn't exist in either of those scenarios when driving on the right.
Guarding against tendencies of driving on the right is rather easy and requires little to no conscious thought while in the car as long as you take these steps beforehand.
Step 1 - Take a photo while driving on the left:
Step 2 - Use any basic editing software to flip the canvas horizontally:
Voila! You can now drive like the reckless idiot you are in your own country.
Tip: Skydiving
Skydiving is either expensive or cheap depending on how romantic your relationship with $190 is. If you're feeling polyamorous then what's an extra $50 for photos, right; but if monogamy's your thing - even if you're just lying about it - then that seems a pretty penny just to see how your permagrin looks set against a bright blue backdrop. The kind folk in the air hangar will pressure you into the video + stills combo pack so you can preserve the memories, but as an expert on all things Africa I'm here to advise that you that you will preserve your memories by simply jumping out of an airplane because WHO EVER FORGETS FALLING OUT OF A FFFFFFFNG AIRPLANE?!?!? And if you really want to show everyone what you looked like just smile really hard for five minutes before taking a selfie and then post it to Facebook, preferably with a shirt on.
Also, you can just station your lady friend on the ground and let her hold the camera she bought for you.
Tip: Community
Take the time to drop in on old friends since they're all going to be dead 10 years from now. Thanks, Chinese men who want 24-hour boners!
Tip: Clothing
Africans are very welcoming to tourists, mostly so they can harass the shit out of you until YES OKAY I'LL BUY THAT STUPID CURIO YOUR "UNCLE BACK AT THE VILLAGE" MADE JUST LEAVE ME ALOOOOOONE!!! The only way to dodge the pitch is look like a local, which is why I suggest wearing traditional clothing.
You may be thinking keffiyehs have nothing to do with Southern African culture but who cares since it's "cultural" as far as you're concerned, so problem solved. Also, Saudi exchange students.
Tip: Getting Around the Village
I lived in a single village for two years so can obviously tell you about daily life in every other African village. Basically, sand tracks render bikes useless, though that won't stop people from trying, comically. The only other options you're probably familiar with are cars and feet. Feet are no va since why walk when you can drive, only cars are also out since this is what happened to me the last time I traipsed through Africa:
All that leaves us with is standing still - a perfectly fine option - but your time is probably limited and you'd like to see as much as possible. In that case I'd recommend a donkey because what else would I recommend? That and I put together a how to video so you don't go unprepared.
Tip: Politics
Africa is a very traditional, hierarchical society, meaning anytime you arrive to a new village - since they're all villages - you must seek out the king to receive his blessings, otherwise people will think you're a witch. If you're unfamiliar with the leadership structure just look for the guy riding a palanquin since that's your man.
Those are all the tips you need. Follow them and you'll have the best time ever.
Tip: Eating
There are no grocery stores or restaurants in Africa so you must buy all your food beforehand. That or hunt. I recommend hunting.
Tip: Driving
In many parts of Africa you must drive on the left side of the road. Although this is generally very easy to adapt to, you still have to guard against old habits such as leisurely right turns or making left turns into the right lane since oncoming traffic doesn't exist in either of those scenarios when driving on the right.
Guarding against tendencies of driving on the right is rather easy and requires little to no conscious thought while in the car as long as you take these steps beforehand.
Step 1 - Take a photo while driving on the left:
Step 2 - Use any basic editing software to flip the canvas horizontally:
Voila! You can now drive like the reckless idiot you are in your own country.
Tip: Skydiving
Skydiving is either expensive or cheap depending on how romantic your relationship with $190 is. If you're feeling polyamorous then what's an extra $50 for photos, right; but if monogamy's your thing - even if you're just lying about it - then that seems a pretty penny just to see how your permagrin looks set against a bright blue backdrop. The kind folk in the air hangar will pressure you into the video + stills combo pack so you can preserve the memories, but as an expert on all things Africa I'm here to advise that you that you will preserve your memories by simply jumping out of an airplane because WHO EVER FORGETS FALLING OUT OF A FFFFFFFNG AIRPLANE?!?!? And if you really want to show everyone what you looked like just smile really hard for five minutes before taking a selfie and then post it to Facebook, preferably with a shirt on.
Also, you can just station your lady friend on the ground and let her hold the camera she bought for you.
Tip: Community
Take the time to drop in on old friends since they're all going to be dead 10 years from now. Thanks, Chinese men who want 24-hour boners!
Tip: Clothing
Africans are very welcoming to tourists, mostly so they can harass the shit out of you until YES OKAY I'LL BUY THAT STUPID CURIO YOUR "UNCLE BACK AT THE VILLAGE" MADE JUST LEAVE ME ALOOOOOONE!!! The only way to dodge the pitch is look like a local, which is why I suggest wearing traditional clothing.
You may be thinking keffiyehs have nothing to do with Southern African culture but who cares since it's "cultural" as far as you're concerned, so problem solved. Also, Saudi exchange students.
Tip: Getting Around the Village
I lived in a single village for two years so can obviously tell you about daily life in every other African village. Basically, sand tracks render bikes useless, though that won't stop people from trying, comically. The only other options you're probably familiar with are cars and feet. Feet are no va since why walk when you can drive, only cars are also out since this is what happened to me the last time I traipsed through Africa:
All that leaves us with is standing still - a perfectly fine option - but your time is probably limited and you'd like to see as much as possible. In that case I'd recommend a donkey because what else would I recommend? That and I put together a how to video so you don't go unprepared.
Tip: Politics
Africa is a very traditional, hierarchical society, meaning anytime you arrive to a new village - since they're all villages - you must seek out the king to receive his blessings, otherwise people will think you're a witch. If you're unfamiliar with the leadership structure just look for the guy riding a palanquin since that's your man.
Those are all the tips you need. Follow them and you'll have the best time ever.
Done Gone Fishing
If you need me the next month or so I will be having a beer here:
I will put down my glass on occasion to go outside and make a short movie or work on my tan. Happy dog days of winter to you and yours.
I will put down my glass on occasion to go outside and make a short movie or work on my tan. Happy dog days of winter to you and yours.
20(Top)12 Things That Happened to MEEEEE in 2012
End of the year list at the beginning of the following year, because science. These are either the 12 best things to have happened to me or the 12 worst, I don't know. They could even be just 12 rando things even though there probably aren't actually 12 things on the list since I haven't counted yet.
A list of 2012s in no particular, particularly particular order:
7. Wished my baby brother a 21st birthday - Haven't actually done that yet but will, if I remember. Extreme time differences since I live 17 hours ahead of him, so by the time I generally wake up in a gutter on January 2nd his birfday has already come and gone.
My brother can legally drink before he's finished high school. That wouldn't have been such a remarkable feat in 1970, but he wasn't born until the 90s so I'll refrain from congratulating him.
4. Was a very bad boy - Can only be 수퍼 변태 for so long before the law finally catches up with you.
11. Converted Mitt Romney's dad to Homoism - Of particular shame when thinking about different civil rights movements is to consider those who came before the transformation of society, people who've had parts or even their entire lives ruined by arbitrary stigma based on pointless ignorance. Related to this thought are the heavenly destinies of our monkey ancestors who, unfortunately, lived and died before G-d ever got around to recording his first studio album, The Old Testament, as well as the 2 CD set that came after it, Jesus Says Haaaiiii [Disc 1] and Paul Clarifies What Jesus Meant When Jesus Said Haaaiii [Disc 2]. Thankfully for all those consigned to hell by circumstantial religious affiliation at birth, the Mormon Church has pioneered a process in which dead people can retroactively believe in Moroni's Golden Plates, something called proxy baptism. This has probably been very confusing for all the dead Jewish homies in heaven who were just sitting down to Seder dinner before suddenly finding themselves with 17 new wives in a part of heaven oddly reminiscent of rural Utah ("rural Utah" being a redundancy), but for the deceased homos (like homie only gayer) this has been especially liberating since proxy baptism can be modified to relieve the suffering of souls tormented for other reasons, meaning they can finally ditch their plain angelic garments and put on something a bit more flamboyant. Mitt Romney's own father put on a studded leather vest and started dancing to "It's Raining Men" after I was done with him.
2. Hosted annual Christmas-ish fundraiser par-tay for NGO I haven't run into the ground but one day probably will - Theme was predicated on In Living Color. Par-tay itself was fun and raised a little bit of dosh, but more fun was watching old clips from the show and reliving a time when my life still had promise. It was during the first season of In Living Color when my teacher called my dad to say I had the academic potential to be a doctor but I fffffed around too much. Yeah? So?? Why study hard when I got this 25 large a year locked up??? And who says ffffffing around is a bad thing? Would anyone who didn't ffffff around take these awesome publicity shots for their NGO's fundraiser?
5. Had a good cry with my sister over Whitney Houston's entirely unexpected overdose - She was the seminal voice of our childhood, or something.
8. Went on unemployment, got bored, found myself a new job - Corner office, with a view. Notice the posture I learned in finishing school.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY NOW, 6TH GRADE TEACHER?!?!?!?!?!?
12. Saved a kid's life - Not yet, but one day he'll thank for me that time I pulled him aside after class and told him about the birds and the bees, specifically how the bees treat birds who snitch.
1. Roped some divas into a video shoot - My absolute magnum opus. These girls have all gotten new agents and have soared to new heights since firing my management team. Meanwhile I sit at the end of the same bar in the same local watering spot every single night telling anyone within earshot that I discovered The Blunder Girls. No one seems to care, but I still do.
9. Hosted my very first jjimjilbang par-tay - Jjimjilbangs are magical Korean bathhouses that are a lot like your standard San Francisco bathhouse where everyone's looking at your junk but unlike a San Francisco bathhouse because they're just curious what a foreign ding-a-ling looks like, not because you're naked, I'm naked, so obvs we're going to have sex.
Foreigners are naturally reluctant to visit jjimjilbangs on the regular and especially don't visit in packs, something about discovering blow dryers are as much a grooming tool for sperm tumblers as they are for actual hair, and that coming to terms with the whole new world that's opened up to you is best done while drinking whiskey alone in your room, not something you should share in group therapy. I actually enjoy the jjimjilbang and try to go at least once a month, just an amiable evening sitting around in a hot tub chatting amicably with the other Korean dudes if they actually spoke English. Or I Korean, but GFY.
One day I decided a jjimjilbang was the perfect venue for a Saturday night blowout so made a Facebook event and sent it out to everyone I know in Seoul. Only one other person came but she was a girl so we didn't really hang out since jjimjilbang is segregated by gender. I'd say the night was a success.
6. Saw the Gangnam Style video - Ja, I know, Gangnam fatigue, you and I both. But I live in Koko so it's 100000000000 times worse than where you live. I even took the subway and then a bus to Gangnam just to blow the whole place up thinking if it didn't exist then the song wouldn't either, but Gangnam's like 15 square miles, and I don't even have the initiative to Google online bomb recipes let alone post a Craigslist ad for all the al-Qaeda suiciders I'd need to get the job done. That still doesn't take away the OMGWTFGREATESTTHINGEVARRRRRRR face I had to peel off my head three hours after first seeing it. Here's an African version of it since everything in Africa is better:
10. Cold macked - By the time our children finally ask about how we met I will have thought of something better than: "You know, she was going somewhere Korean, probably the jjimjilbang, so I gave her a ride."
3. Survived my second typhoon - Figured I was going to die the way the news and my co-workers were freaking out about it, but then...
This list was exhaustive and authoritative since the only thing I did aside from those 12 things was stare at walls. Happy 2013 to you and yours.
A list of 2012s in no particular, particularly particular order:
7. Wished my baby brother a 21st birthday - Haven't actually done that yet but will, if I remember. Extreme time differences since I live 17 hours ahead of him, so by the time I generally wake up in a gutter on January 2nd his birfday has already come and gone.
My brother can legally drink before he's finished high school. That wouldn't have been such a remarkable feat in 1970, but he wasn't born until the 90s so I'll refrain from congratulating him.
4. Was a very bad boy - Can only be 수퍼 변태 for so long before the law finally catches up with you.
11. Converted Mitt Romney's dad to Homoism - Of particular shame when thinking about different civil rights movements is to consider those who came before the transformation of society, people who've had parts or even their entire lives ruined by arbitrary stigma based on pointless ignorance. Related to this thought are the heavenly destinies of our monkey ancestors who, unfortunately, lived and died before G-d ever got around to recording his first studio album, The Old Testament, as well as the 2 CD set that came after it, Jesus Says Haaaiiii [Disc 1] and Paul Clarifies What Jesus Meant When Jesus Said Haaaiii [Disc 2]. Thankfully for all those consigned to hell by circumstantial religious affiliation at birth, the Mormon Church has pioneered a process in which dead people can retroactively believe in Moroni's Golden Plates, something called proxy baptism. This has probably been very confusing for all the dead Jewish homies in heaven who were just sitting down to Seder dinner before suddenly finding themselves with 17 new wives in a part of heaven oddly reminiscent of rural Utah ("rural Utah" being a redundancy), but for the deceased homos (like homie only gayer) this has been especially liberating since proxy baptism can be modified to relieve the suffering of souls tormented for other reasons, meaning they can finally ditch their plain angelic garments and put on something a bit more flamboyant. Mitt Romney's own father put on a studded leather vest and started dancing to "It's Raining Men" after I was done with him.
2. Hosted annual Christmas-ish fundraiser par-tay for NGO I haven't run into the ground but one day probably will - Theme was predicated on In Living Color. Par-tay itself was fun and raised a little bit of dosh, but more fun was watching old clips from the show and reliving a time when my life still had promise. It was during the first season of In Living Color when my teacher called my dad to say I had the academic potential to be a doctor but I fffffed around too much. Yeah? So?? Why study hard when I got this 25 large a year locked up??? And who says ffffffing around is a bad thing? Would anyone who didn't ffffff around take these awesome publicity shots for their NGO's fundraiser?
5. Had a good cry with my sister over Whitney Houston's entirely unexpected overdose - She was the seminal voice of our childhood, or something.
8. Went on unemployment, got bored, found myself a new job - Corner office, with a view. Notice the posture I learned in finishing school.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY NOW, 6TH GRADE TEACHER?!?!?!?!?!?
12. Saved a kid's life - Not yet, but one day he'll thank for me that time I pulled him aside after class and told him about the birds and the bees, specifically how the bees treat birds who snitch.
1. Roped some divas into a video shoot - My absolute magnum opus. These girls have all gotten new agents and have soared to new heights since firing my management team. Meanwhile I sit at the end of the same bar in the same local watering spot every single night telling anyone within earshot that I discovered The Blunder Girls. No one seems to care, but I still do.
9. Hosted my very first jjimjilbang par-tay - Jjimjilbangs are magical Korean bathhouses that are a lot like your standard San Francisco bathhouse where everyone's looking at your junk but unlike a San Francisco bathhouse because they're just curious what a foreign ding-a-ling looks like, not because you're naked, I'm naked, so obvs we're going to have sex.
Foreigners are naturally reluctant to visit jjimjilbangs on the regular and especially don't visit in packs, something about discovering blow dryers are as much a grooming tool for sperm tumblers as they are for actual hair, and that coming to terms with the whole new world that's opened up to you is best done while drinking whiskey alone in your room, not something you should share in group therapy. I actually enjoy the jjimjilbang and try to go at least once a month, just an amiable evening sitting around in a hot tub chatting amicably with the other Korean dudes if they actually spoke English. Or I Korean, but GFY.
One day I decided a jjimjilbang was the perfect venue for a Saturday night blowout so made a Facebook event and sent it out to everyone I know in Seoul. Only one other person came but she was a girl so we didn't really hang out since jjimjilbang is segregated by gender. I'd say the night was a success.
6. Saw the Gangnam Style video - Ja, I know, Gangnam fatigue, you and I both. But I live in Koko so it's 100000000000 times worse than where you live. I even took the subway and then a bus to Gangnam just to blow the whole place up thinking if it didn't exist then the song wouldn't either, but Gangnam's like 15 square miles, and I don't even have the initiative to Google online bomb recipes let alone post a Craigslist ad for all the al-Qaeda suiciders I'd need to get the job done. That still doesn't take away the OMGWTFGREATESTTHINGEVARRRRRRR face I had to peel off my head three hours after first seeing it. Here's an African version of it since everything in Africa is better:
10. Cold macked - By the time our children finally ask about how we met I will have thought of something better than: "You know, she was going somewhere Korean, probably the jjimjilbang, so I gave her a ride."
3. Survived my second typhoon - Figured I was going to die the way the news and my co-workers were freaking out about it, but then...
This list was exhaustive and authoritative since the only thing I did aside from those 12 things was stare at walls. Happy 2013 to you and yours.
