Or it just rained a lot.
Mon(ster)soon
Depending on the myth, the heavens were either very happy or very angry with Seoul today.
Or it just rained a lot.
Or it just rained a lot.
Monty Python Jeonsa
Yet another English camp, where I spend the next three weeks working from 9.00 am until the ungodly hour of noon before two weeks of no work at all. Fortunately for society, students who would normally spend their school holiday on the streets causing criminal mischief are instead locked inside a hot classroom learning English. Unfortunately for those students, they're studying Old English instead the fake Korean English they're accustomed to:
Was actually a sword fighting tournament I set up to decide who would be class leader. The Black Knight and his amputated leg up there got all the way to the semis but lost to the alpha male who would have been "elected" class leader regardless. Otherwise, those swords and medieval bloodlust: wish I had them handy when I was planning my last go at the crusades.
Was actually a sword fighting tournament I set up to decide who would be class leader. The Black Knight and his amputated leg up there got all the way to the semis but lost to the alpha male who would have been "elected" class leader regardless. Otherwise, those swords and medieval bloodlust: wish I had them handy when I was planning my last go at the crusades.
End-of-term Jeonsas
Soooooooo much more jeonsa in this photo than meets the eye. Some of us aren't so insecure that we have to wear it on our sleeves, right?
I will beat my sister to the punch by pointing out all the manpris on Team Seokchon. In their defense, those pants were manufactured for the casual 1950s Korean man who was, on average, three inches shorter than the more sophisticated, post-modern, metrosexual Korean gentleman of today.
This picture was taken on a beach, durr. The school bused all of us there to celebrate not dying during the first term that mercifully ended this past Friday. After looking at the water and arguing where Japan was we went in for dinner, which is the Korean word for get drunk and sing songs for nine straight hours. It's also about that time where all the people who avoid me during their sober waking hours - Englishee no! - snuggle up with me to show off their 15-word vocabulary, only now that I'm going on two years here these sorts of exchanges have expanded to accommodate my drunken, basically fluent Korean. Example:
- Oh, bad English bad English bad English bad English really bad English uh....
- Oh ja? Bad Korean bad Korean bad Korean bad Korean for the realz.
And then we conclude with my interlocutor telling me I'm handsome and me telling him or her likewise.
I will beat my sister to the punch by pointing out all the manpris on Team Seokchon. In their defense, those pants were manufactured for the casual 1950s Korean man who was, on average, three inches shorter than the more sophisticated, post-modern, metrosexual Korean gentleman of today.
This picture was taken on a beach, durr. The school bused all of us there to celebrate not dying during the first term that mercifully ended this past Friday. After looking at the water and arguing where Japan was we went in for dinner, which is the Korean word for get drunk and sing songs for nine straight hours. It's also about that time where all the people who avoid me during their sober waking hours - Englishee no! - snuggle up with me to show off their 15-word vocabulary, only now that I'm going on two years here these sorts of exchanges have expanded to accommodate my drunken, basically fluent Korean. Example:
- Oh, bad English bad English bad English bad English really bad English uh....
- Oh ja? Bad Korean bad Korean bad Korean bad Korean for the realz.
And then we conclude with my interlocutor telling me I'm handsome and me telling him or her likewise.
All My Seokchon
I've given a cursory tour of Seokchon Junior High before but here's something a little more in-depth:
The main entrance was retrofitted with a vanity mirror once admin realized students would never come if they didn't have a place to gaze lovingly at themselves.
The central staircase portends what a dark, gruesome place Seokchon truly is. Students who fail are given the rack somewhere underneath here.
Those same stairs are graffitied with English proverbs. Sometimes another teacher will ask about their meaning. I respond with either [1] All English proverbs are variations of "don't be a dildo bag" or [2] Er, you can't read the Korean translation underneath?
This is the industrial hand-sanitizer dispensery. Students use it to wash the swine flu off their hands right after coughing on everyone within sneezing distance.
All students carry around shoe bags since they have to trade out their overpriced New Balances ($80???) for $2 indoor slippers before entering the school. They're junior high students so of course they just leave their crap all over the place then assume it's later gone missing because someone stole it, durrr.
Rando phone booth, ostensibly so students can call the phones they left in the toilet or something since those are the only misplaced things they care to recover. As in, at the end of every term I will have a pile of English books nearly the size of the pile of students I have who can't find theirs, this despite the blinking neon sign I installed in the front of class screaming, "Your books are here, smart guys!" Two minutes after English class, though, and nine students who just left are ripping open my door: "Teach-uh, pone!!!!"
Schedule for after-school classes posted on a door somewhere. I have no idea why they use the Romanized spelling of my name when the Hanguel (폴리오) sounds exactly the same and even has three syllables like a real Korean name.
Another list of after-school courses. This one is much more dramatic than the other.
Korean-Chinese dictionaries because it's probably a better idea than English, non? Wonder why homegirl gets dictionaries and I don't. Maybe because the smart board in my classroom has more bells and whistles than old-fashioned tree organs bound together with glue and string.
Homeboy is the school disciplinarian I've mentioned before. Gyeongchal is the word for police and ajusshi is the word for old man, so whenever my kids act up all I have to say is gyeongchal ajusshi and they cease with the fake gangsta routine, though I don't know why they're worried since all he really cares about are smokers. Whenever I see him before classes he wishes me a good morning in English then smiles and says "Not good English" when I respond likewise. When I see him at lunchtime he mimes eating and says "bibimbap?" I think we are friends.
Where the schoolwide teacher meetings go down. I sat in here once, but then I realized no one was speaking English and left.
The nurse's office. It is locked because Koreans eat kimchi, which means no one ever gets sick, which means why bother with an actual nurse's office since I'm the only one who'll ever need to use it even though I eat kimchi too. I should have put this photo directly after the one with the hand-sanitizer but too late now.
Somewhere in the office I share with six other people. Tell me how awkward it is when you have to doodie and you're trying to estimate how much toilet paper this adventure is going to require. Hmmm, bibimbap with extra chili paste today, those two cups of coffee I had this morning, the bag of grapes I ate last night, plus I've been sick lately...all the while piling sheet after sheet upon each other as the other teachers pretend not to notice. Then you have to carry that stack with you as you try tiptoeing to the washroom before any students notice. "Teach-uh, why so many paper????" Would have been more accurate to have typed that last sentence in all caps.
School libarary. The local government gave Seokchon some expensive Chinese money for renovations as long as it was made open to the public. Wait, did i say public? I meant "adjacent dwellers" since that's the term I edited out of the school newspaper before someone else edited it right back in.
Big game between Seokchon and some other rando school homeboys beat by 400. Actually, this game was the first close game I've seen them play. Put a bunch of screaming girls in the stands and everyone's fighting over who gets to dunk next, which, none of them.
Weight room just off the gym. I spend a good 10 minutes a day here so now you know why I'm so ripped. (Ed: One of my pant seams dictated the previous sentence.)
The soccer field is spacious.
The driving range is not. Wait, driving range? Sounds less posh once you realize a driving range and actual golf course are the same size in Koko, for all intents and purposes. Plus, that bag of trash.
I don't know: drink, wash your face, full on bathe? These are in between the gym and soccer field so I'll just assume any communicable diseases you may get here are offset by the kimchi they serve at lunch.
That is the end of the tour. Thank you for spending your hard-earned tourist dollars on me.
The main entrance was retrofitted with a vanity mirror once admin realized students would never come if they didn't have a place to gaze lovingly at themselves.
The central staircase portends what a dark, gruesome place Seokchon truly is. Students who fail are given the rack somewhere underneath here.
Those same stairs are graffitied with English proverbs. Sometimes another teacher will ask about their meaning. I respond with either [1] All English proverbs are variations of "don't be a dildo bag" or [2] Er, you can't read the Korean translation underneath?
This is the industrial hand-sanitizer dispensery. Students use it to wash the swine flu off their hands right after coughing on everyone within sneezing distance.
All students carry around shoe bags since they have to trade out their overpriced New Balances ($80???) for $2 indoor slippers before entering the school. They're junior high students so of course they just leave their crap all over the place then assume it's later gone missing because someone stole it, durrr.
Rando phone booth, ostensibly so students can call the phones they left in the toilet or something since those are the only misplaced things they care to recover. As in, at the end of every term I will have a pile of English books nearly the size of the pile of students I have who can't find theirs, this despite the blinking neon sign I installed in the front of class screaming, "Your books are here, smart guys!" Two minutes after English class, though, and nine students who just left are ripping open my door: "Teach-uh, pone!!!!"
Schedule for after-school classes posted on a door somewhere. I have no idea why they use the Romanized spelling of my name when the Hanguel (폴리오) sounds exactly the same and even has three syllables like a real Korean name.
Another list of after-school courses. This one is much more dramatic than the other.
Korean-Chinese dictionaries because it's probably a better idea than English, non? Wonder why homegirl gets dictionaries and I don't. Maybe because the smart board in my classroom has more bells and whistles than old-fashioned tree organs bound together with glue and string.
Homeboy is the school disciplinarian I've mentioned before. Gyeongchal is the word for police and ajusshi is the word for old man, so whenever my kids act up all I have to say is gyeongchal ajusshi and they cease with the fake gangsta routine, though I don't know why they're worried since all he really cares about are smokers. Whenever I see him before classes he wishes me a good morning in English then smiles and says "Not good English" when I respond likewise. When I see him at lunchtime he mimes eating and says "bibimbap?" I think we are friends.
Where the schoolwide teacher meetings go down. I sat in here once, but then I realized no one was speaking English and left.
The nurse's office. It is locked because Koreans eat kimchi, which means no one ever gets sick, which means why bother with an actual nurse's office since I'm the only one who'll ever need to use it even though I eat kimchi too. I should have put this photo directly after the one with the hand-sanitizer but too late now.
Somewhere in the office I share with six other people. Tell me how awkward it is when you have to doodie and you're trying to estimate how much toilet paper this adventure is going to require. Hmmm, bibimbap with extra chili paste today, those two cups of coffee I had this morning, the bag of grapes I ate last night, plus I've been sick lately...all the while piling sheet after sheet upon each other as the other teachers pretend not to notice. Then you have to carry that stack with you as you try tiptoeing to the washroom before any students notice. "Teach-uh, why so many paper????" Would have been more accurate to have typed that last sentence in all caps.
School libarary. The local government gave Seokchon some expensive Chinese money for renovations as long as it was made open to the public. Wait, did i say public? I meant "adjacent dwellers" since that's the term I edited out of the school newspaper before someone else edited it right back in.
Big game between Seokchon and some other rando school homeboys beat by 400. Actually, this game was the first close game I've seen them play. Put a bunch of screaming girls in the stands and everyone's fighting over who gets to dunk next, which, none of them.
Weight room just off the gym. I spend a good 10 minutes a day here so now you know why I'm so ripped. (Ed: One of my pant seams dictated the previous sentence.)
The soccer field is spacious.
The driving range is not. Wait, driving range? Sounds less posh once you realize a driving range and actual golf course are the same size in Koko, for all intents and purposes. Plus, that bag of trash.
I don't know: drink, wash your face, full on bathe? These are in between the gym and soccer field so I'll just assume any communicable diseases you may get here are offset by the kimchi they serve at lunch.
That is the end of the tour. Thank you for spending your hard-earned tourist dollars on me.
Urban Efficiency
I was inspired by this video...
...to do something similar with my classroom:
Both videos are equally impressive.
...to do something similar with my classroom:
Both videos are equally impressive.
Dixie
A couple [friends] and I made our great escape from Seoul into the countryside this weekend, though only in Korea and every other Asian country would Gwangju be considered down-home. I love rolling into a spot with twice as many people as Detroit and going on about all the empty space and fresh air. Frames of reference, douchebags.
Trip happened because [1] getting out of Seoul is always a good idea, [2] Michigan friend lives that side, and [3] traveling friend mistook Gwangju for Gyeongju, the ancient Buddhist capital of Korea. Well WTF, what do we do now? Go to the tea plantations:
The plantations were actually in Boseong, a 1.5 hour bus ride south of Gwangju, but who really cares when you can take photos like this:
Total jels, non? Me too since those are photos I had to jock off the internet because mine were so full of clouds and rain:
But blah blah blah let your sun shine: Hot green tea is a much nicer drink when it's wet and dark outside rather than bright and humid, not to mention you can take a photo together in all types of weather:
Plus, you get the satisfaction of squealing "We were there!" if you ever bother to watch a Korean drama since the tea fields are the go-to backdrop when every single director here needs to frame some rando sex as raw, unbridled, a break from the confined prescriptions of modesty and tradition, barf.
Trip happened because [1] getting out of Seoul is always a good idea, [2] Michigan friend lives that side, and [3] traveling friend mistook Gwangju for Gyeongju, the ancient Buddhist capital of Korea. Well WTF, what do we do now? Go to the tea plantations:
The plantations were actually in Boseong, a 1.5 hour bus ride south of Gwangju, but who really cares when you can take photos like this:
Total jels, non? Me too since those are photos I had to jock off the internet because mine were so full of clouds and rain:
But blah blah blah let your sun shine: Hot green tea is a much nicer drink when it's wet and dark outside rather than bright and humid, not to mention you can take a photo together in all types of weather:
Plus, you get the satisfaction of squealing "We were there!" if you ever bother to watch a Korean drama since the tea fields are the go-to backdrop when every single director here needs to frame some rando sex as raw, unbridled, a break from the confined prescriptions of modesty and tradition, barf.
Uncle Eric Participates in Take-Jeremy's-Blog-to-Work Day
Bronson is sports photag jeonsa.
I feel like an NFL lockout would only benefit Dhani Jones, for the realz. Benefit me too because pro football is stoooooooooooopid.
I feel like an NFL lockout would only benefit Dhani Jones, for the realz. Benefit me too because pro football is stoooooooooooopid.
Run It Back
Just finished my second ajumma class. Never going to top the photo from our first one but that doesn't mean we can't try:
Last class is reserved for an end-of-the-term pizza and deok par-tay because the penultimate class is where they learn how to say "I ain't doing shiiiiiiiiit!" Also, gifts for el esteemed maestro:
Let's see: cake and cookies my fat bell should probably leave alone; three bags of grapes my azz should leave alone; and a shirt some gang of metrosexual, rail-thin Korean uni students are going to mug me for since the only thing they value more are pocket mirrors. I also got a nice card:
Fitting that homegirl drew a bottle of makkoli since she's the one who, way back when I first started teaching this class, introduced herself to everyone else by saying how fun it is to get sauced every day. No surprise then that all the benign topics I'd use to begin discussion would inevitably veer into the part of my blog where I'm supposed to claim I learned so much more from my students than they learned from me. Man, if I knew how to insert a table in here I'd totally draw a chart comparing what they learned - drugs, cheating lovers, crime, hip-hop, slang for different sex moves, hipsters, Jersey douchebags, how to gamble, etc. - with what I learned - Korean husbands drink too much and are too fat, kids are ungrateful wankers, I don't care if I'm still 45 I'd totally get down with so and so K-pop star, I'm hotter than most of Girls' Generation just as soon as I get my azz over to the salon, etc. - and let you decide who should be paying whom here. Either way, fun class, so jeonsa.
Last class is reserved for an end-of-the-term pizza and deok par-tay because the penultimate class is where they learn how to say "I ain't doing shiiiiiiiiit!" Also, gifts for el esteemed maestro:
Let's see: cake and cookies my fat bell should probably leave alone; three bags of grapes my azz should leave alone; and a shirt some gang of metrosexual, rail-thin Korean uni students are going to mug me for since the only thing they value more are pocket mirrors. I also got a nice card:
Fitting that homegirl drew a bottle of makkoli since she's the one who, way back when I first started teaching this class, introduced herself to everyone else by saying how fun it is to get sauced every day. No surprise then that all the benign topics I'd use to begin discussion would inevitably veer into the part of my blog where I'm supposed to claim I learned so much more from my students than they learned from me. Man, if I knew how to insert a table in here I'd totally draw a chart comparing what they learned - drugs, cheating lovers, crime, hip-hop, slang for different sex moves, hipsters, Jersey douchebags, how to gamble, etc. - with what I learned - Korean husbands drink too much and are too fat, kids are ungrateful wankers, I don't care if I'm still 45 I'd totally get down with so and so K-pop star, I'm hotter than most of Girls' Generation just as soon as I get my azz over to the salon, etc. - and let you decide who should be paying whom here. Either way, fun class, so jeonsa.
So Much 사랑 For Just One Lady
A photo Fire Bear took of Melz and me synching our watches for mid-September - since that's when I'm supposed to visit her in Malaysia - while Jieun ponders the directions she'd give to someone trying to get from where they're standing to where they're going. Srsly, ask her for directions sometime and see where that gets you. Probably the gulag.
Akskskfjalkaslkf Malaysia what?!?!?!?!? Oh ja, my beloved Melz (sigh be upon her) boarded a plane to Amurka this morning so she can loiter in Jersey for a couple months before starting her NYC banking career. One part of an NYC banking career means living in Malaysian hotels two months at a time, thus the planned visit over Chewy, while another part of an NYC banking career means not living in Koko any longer, which is where I coincidentally still live. Commence lonely whhhhhhhhaaaaaaahhhhhhh! 100% heartbreak here.
Now is when I'm supposed to regale you with encomia about Melanie but I don't know what to really say other than I'll miss her. That and Korea's stupid for the time being. If you have anything good to say about her it's true only if it ends in -est. If you have anything bad to say about her it's because she's tall and beautiful and extremely quiet when you first meet her, so you were intimidated and didn't bother with the four seconds it takes to discover she's the best human ever, which is your loss.
So ja, 잘 가세요 to her. I sent her off with a brown paper bag packed with two sandwiches and all my love, "all" being just enough to consider logging into G-chat for her.
ㅠ.ㅠ x 10000000000000
Akskskfjalkaslkf Malaysia what?!?!?!?!? Oh ja, my beloved Melz (sigh be upon her) boarded a plane to Amurka this morning so she can loiter in Jersey for a couple months before starting her NYC banking career. One part of an NYC banking career means living in Malaysian hotels two months at a time, thus the planned visit over Chewy, while another part of an NYC banking career means not living in Koko any longer, which is where I coincidentally still live. Commence lonely whhhhhhhhaaaaaaahhhhhhh! 100% heartbreak here.
Now is when I'm supposed to regale you with encomia about Melanie but I don't know what to really say other than I'll miss her. That and Korea's stupid for the time being. If you have anything good to say about her it's true only if it ends in -est. If you have anything bad to say about her it's because she's tall and beautiful and extremely quiet when you first meet her, so you were intimidated and didn't bother with the four seconds it takes to discover she's the best human ever, which is your loss.
So ja, 잘 가세요 to her. I sent her off with a brown paper bag packed with two sandwiches and all my love, "all" being just enough to consider logging into G-chat for her.
ㅠ.ㅠ x 10000000000000
Classroom Mgmt
It's impossible to run an efficient classroom if you don't locate the alpha male and beg him to like you. A primer on how to find him in a Korean school:
Same same with the queen bee, but identifying her is just a matter of lining up the skinny girls and asking who's paid the most for plastic surgery.
Same same with the queen bee, but identifying her is just a matter of lining up the skinny girls and asking who's paid the most for plastic surgery.
