The problem with every single one of these formulaic trailer park ethnographs is that they fail to grasp what is actually going on with the Trump voter. They usually conclude by attributing the Trumpian wet dream to immigration (Latinos), law and order (blacks), failed foreign policy (Muslims), and the economy (everyone but the person they stare down in the mirror every day), but all of this faux-reasoning ignores the real reason White America is voting for Trump: THEY WANT TO BE LIED TO! Whether it be constructing a physically implausible 2000 mile-long wall, improving education by letting anyone who can spell their name become a teacher, co-opting the plot from Rambo 3 as a secret plan to destroy ISIS, growing the economy by turning the IRS into a billionaire's feed trough, or strengthening global alliances by treating our forward military bases as a shakedown racket, there is an entire subculture of people - known in anthropological circles as half the United States - that will happily forgo the hard work of basic critical thought in order to close their eyes and wish Causcasian fairy tales into existence. There is no better example of this than Trump's hands. I mean, look at them:
John Oliver mocked Donald Trump for those small hands last spring and every comic since has turned his fingers made of cocktail sausages into an interminable punchline, to which Donald Trump responded by holding aloft two Eggo waffles made of flesh and declaring them to be large and beautiful. 32% of women and 97% of men actually bought that bullshiz, which is wholly representative of all the pyramid schemes-as-government policy they've bought into as well. Seriously, look at those hands again:
There's barely any clearance between knuckle and the tip of his index finger. A pregnant mouse could hurdle that. But somehow just calling them large was enough for people who don't believe in verifiable science to completely redistrict their notions of large and not large. Or in other words, a Trump voter:
And a not-Trump voter:
So if you're trying to understand or - even worse - engage a Trump voter, don't; otherwise, you'll find yourself in a dimension where up is down, left is right, 7-11 is gourmet, white people were forcibly brought to the New World on the Mayflower and made to work executive-level positions for no money and billions in stock options, Taco Tuesdays are a Friday thing, the Cubs are World Series champions, Black Is the New Orange, flowers bloom in winter, Fox News is liberal, Seth Rogan is funny, the person minding his ice tea and business is the aggressor in a standoff started by whitey, and all that other stuff that contradicts reality. And yes, I understand that all politicians bend the truth and that I'm just as susceptible to the spin of my preferred candidate as anybody else is to theirs, but Donald Trump's mouth is an entirely new class of traveling medicine show. To wit:
- Every Mexican ever has illegally crossed the southern border even though the net migration rate between the US and Mexico is below zero.
- Violent crime is is out of control even though it's at historical lows.
- Hillary plans to abolish the Second Amendment even though she wouldn't have anything approximating the power to do so.
- He can't release his tax returns even though he'll release them on condition that Hillary dredge up all those emails.
- The media doesn't broadcast the size of his crowds even though the media constantly broadcasts the size of his crowds.
- He's going to bring back American jobs just as soon as he's done outsourcing them to China.
- Government regulation is killing America even though he needs Hillary to pass regulations so he won't do all the terrible shit that's killing America.
- Dead people are voting even though they're, uh, dead.
- He's rich even though none of his suits fit.
- The unemployment rate is 42% or 28% or maybe 1000% even though it's like 5% using the same metrics that have always been used to measure unemployment.
- Is self-funding his campaign if what you mean by self-funding is that he's using campaign donations to fund his self.
- Is the least racist person he knows even though not even my avowedly racist neighbor dares bother with the alt-right on Twitter for fear of being labeled a racist.
- Hillary is trying to turn the US over to a consortium of world bankers...and oh yeah totally not an anti-Semite.
- Loves the Bible; reads Two Corinthians every day after afternoon tea.
- Donald is a real authentic guy just telling it like it is even though he lies every time he snaps his hair into place or wears that orange body suit of his out in public.
- And any other idea that came to him while divining the poop entrails on his toilet paper after potty time.
So, a summary: Donald Trump is a lying piece of shit and some people just don't care. For those of us who will suffer the occasional lie but are otherwise grounded in reality, this is problematic, and the urge is to counter all that bullshit with facts and reason. But don't. You'll just waste your time, energy, and sanity and have nothing to show for it. The only recourse this close to the election is to vote for Hillary Clinton and then go home, light a candle, and pray to Uncle Mo's best friend Jesus' homie Buddha that we still outnumber the flat earthers. If not, then drop acid and wait for Trainspotting 2 to come out since the first Trainspotting makes as much sense to me as a Trump presidency.
